Barbara Walters played the adult, while Monica Lewinsky alternated between boastful and chastened child. And, boy, did it get old fast despite the so-called "startling revelation" that Lewinsky became pregnant by another man and had an abortion during a lull in her relationship with Bill Clinton.

With two hours of Walters acting shocked while she simultaneously pressed for more salacious details of the physical relationship and Lewinsky doing her best to oblige the hectoring interviewer, ABC last night became the undisputed leader in the mad dash of network news to debase our culture.

During the last "sweeps" ratings period in November, CBS used Dr. Jack Kevorkian and the first on-screen presentation of euthanasia to attract a huge audience for "60 Minutes." There is no doubt that CBS News was irresponsible in exploiting the death of a man while all but ignoring his life.

But, as creepy as you might have felt watching a man pass from this world in part for the greater ratings glory of CBS, it was only prelude to what we witnessed last night on ABC as "history" and "education," to use the words of ABC News President David Westin.

Was the historical part Clinton reportedly telling Lewinsky he might be "alone" in three years and responding to her suggestion that they'd be a "good team" by saying, "What are we going to do when I'm 75 and have to pee 25 times a day?"

Was it her confirming that "through most of the relationship, the oral sex was not brought to the point of completion for the president"?

Or maybe that was the educational part. No, I think the educational part must have been all the psycho-babble about "feelings of self-worth" and "enablers."

Is this what the American media has been going ape over for the past week? What a sorry spectacle. What a hustle.

Start with the visual imagery, television's primary and dominant language. Lewinsky wore a black pantsuit and slicked-back hair. Translation: This is an accomplished, poised professional woman.

All she has to do is keep from sounding like Jerry Lewis when she opens her mouth, and she's got a good shot at coming off as Princess Diana on the BBC. Monica dressed in black on ABC, talking about life with Bill, linked in our TV memory to Diana dressed in black on the BBC, talking about life with Charles. Let's hear it for trying to exploit shared memory.

But, despite months of Walters shilling for Lewinsky as "intelligent and accomplished" to get the interview, this 25-year-old millionaire came off as no Diana last night. Her presentation was too mixed. Lewinsky went for wide-eyed innocence, peppering her responses with "boy," "gosh" and "golly." And Walters constructed a story line for her as victim -- with Kenneth Starr even more a villain than Clinton. But the innocent-victim persona was desperately undercut as Lewinsky explained phone sex, intense flirting as dance and the deeper meaning of a flashed thong to Walters, who was doing her best impersonation of a shocked-shocked Claude Rains in "Casablanca."

What a phony and artificial two hours of television it was, constructed like a melodramatic made-for-TV movie with the tears coming in the last 20 minutes and moral lessons being offered at the very end. Gee, Lewinsky learned to appreciate family and true friendship. I haven't heard that since last night's movie-of-the-week with Jane Seymour.

Let me tell you about history, Mr. Westin. The historic part in all this mess is that a president was impeached for only the second time in history. Your interviewer spent two hours asking Lewinsky about sex 50 different ways and never mentioned impeachment.

Pub Date: 3/04/99