* "The Jerry Springer Show": Jerry reunites "baseball's favorite sluggers" and "the fans who refused to give their home run balls back." A melee breaks out on stage when Philip Ozersky tells Mark McGwire that if he had just said "the magic word," he never would have sold the ball. The show's security staff, aided by the entire Illinois National Guard, finally pry McGwire off Ozersky, whose neck looks remarkably like the handle of a Louisville Slugger.
* MTV's "The Real World": The gang in Hawaii gets "real" with their new roommate, Philip, a 26-year-old science nerd from St. Louis, after they discover he's been auctioning off their belongings to fans of the show. At an emergency house meeting on the issue, the angry roommates instead spend 17 hours debating whose turn it is to clean the kitchen.
* "The Rosie O'Donnell Show": Rosie presents Ozersky with 3.005 million fake $1 bills -- each with his own likeness in place of George Washington's, hand-colored by New York City schoolchildren. A grateful Ozersky quickly predicts that "a collector might pay a lot for these!"
* "The Oprah Winfrey Show": Oprah helps a troubled young research scientist rediscover his soul after "losing it somewhere between Busch Stadium and a sports auction held at Madison Square Garden."
* "The Late Show with David Letterman": In a special segment of Stupid Human Tricks, Dave drops random objects from the top of Yankee Stadium for Ozersky to catch. The only thing he manages to grab is Dave's wallet.
* "The Barbara Walters Special": Babs interviews her favorite formerly employed media stars: Michael Jordan, Monica Lewinsky and Philip Ozersky. Ozersky resists crying until Babs' final question: "Phiwip, was money more important than your job working on the Human Gnome Project?"
* "South Park": In St. Louis to hear Chef sing the National Anthem, Kenny appears to be killed when struck by Mark McGwire's 70th home run. Slow- motion replay, though, reveals Kenny survived the blow, only to be clubbed to death by a fan behind him, a young research scientist. Special guest voice: Philip Ozersky.
Pub Date: 01/31/99