To: Nicole Kidman, actress; star of "To Die For" and now "The Blue Room," Broadway's hottest ticket, in which she plays five erotically charged roles, including teen hooker and politician's wife. ("Pure theatrical Viagra," hails the Daily Telegraph of London. Kidman, pop culture's icon-of-the-week, seemingly graces entire newsstands. She's everywhere - but in my life. Until now.)
From: Rob Hiaasen, journalist, actor; played the lead in "Danny The Dark Green Dinosaur" in Mrs. Creasy's first-grade class; extra in the 1983 blockbuster "Jaws 3-D."
Re: Proposal for a new, "reality-based" two-person play about a man's ordinary but deceptively thrilling life.
The setup: OK, there's this guy - he's not a Hollywood pretty boy, just an average guy. He attends teacher conferences, gets job evaluations, takes art classes, makes trips to Jiffy Lube and occasionally eats out. His life changes when he meets five mysterious women:
Scene One: Pinewood Elementary, Timonium. Teacher conference with daughter's third-grade teacher. But Ms. Alden is sick! In her place, Ms. Kidman plays a young, sinewy teacher named Mrs. Creasy:
Mrs. Creasy: "Mr. Hiaasen, I can tell by your daughter's progress that you are a very conscientious father."
Mr. Hiaasen: "Why, thank you, Mrs. Creasy. May I call you ... Mrs. Creasy?" Mrs. Creasy: "Please ... do."
Scene Two: The Sun newsroom. Annual job evaluation, conducted every fifth year. But my editor is sick! In his place, Ms. Kidman plays a treacherous editor, Niki Gray, who won't stop at murder to get ahead!:
Ms. Gray: "Rob, I won't stop at murder to get ahead!"
Scene Three: Maryland Institute, College of Art. Beginning Drawing class. But the model is sick! In her place, Nicole Kidman poses in all her Nicole Kidman glory:
Ms. Kidman: "Hi. I bet you live a deceptively thrilling life."
Art Student: "I ... do."
Ms. Kidman: "Don't tease me. Tell me."
Art Student: "Last class, I ... I switched from a No. 4 to a No. 6 drawing pencil."
Scene Four: Jiffy Lube, York Road. But the regular mechanic is sick! In his place, Ms. Kidman plays ...
Mechanic Nic: "Mr. Hiaasen, do you want your tires rotated?"
Mr. Hiaasen: (Faints dead away.)
Scene Five: Cafe Isis, Padonia Road. But the regular waiter is sick! In his place, Nicole Kidman brings a plate of sizzling, tantalizing falafel:
Mr. Hiaasen: "It's so sizzling and tantalizing ..."
Ms. Kidman: "Finally, I get to meet your wife! May I say that your husband has quite the imagination."
Mrs. Hiaasen: "Hon, it's to die for."
Fade to black.