My wife has never touched my barbecue grills.

This thought came to me with the fury of a grease flare-up as I wrestled with charcoal, flame and a beef brisket for five hours one recent Saturday afternoon. Why does she keep her distance?

My Smokey Joe, my trusty 22-inch kettle (Oh, what incendiary moments we've shared!), my three-burner propane barbecue with built-in "Flavorizer" bars - how could she not share my infatuation for their sizzle and smoke?

Even this summer when she bought me a new gas-powered model (which, I believe, pumps out enough BTUs to put grill marks on concrete), no exception was made: A man delivered it. I took immediate custody. The grill and I are very happy together in our strictly monogamous relationship.

So I looked to my friends and colleagues, mostly liberated, modern men married to liberated, modern women. The pattern was the same: Their wives felt the urge to sling briquettes about as often as they sought prostate screenings.

Consumer surveys back this up. According to the Barbecue Industry Association, men are the ones grilling 61 percent of the time, a landslide win for the gender. The trade association's annual polls show similar results for the last two decades.

In other words, women today are no more inclined to grill than they were in the days when "Charlie's Angels" was on television. Backyard barbecue is a man's world - one of the few places where sexism has been left unchallenged.

So why is this? Have women been made to feel unwelcome? Have men been duped into performing an unpleasant chore? (A particularly awful possibility since most men really enjoy grilling and that would make women truly diabolical.)

To answer this pressing family matter, The Sun sought out some of the nation's leading experts from barbecue cookbook authors and restaurateurs to grill manufacturers and a TV grill show host.

Momentarily putting down their tongs and aprons, the cognoscenti of combustible cookery had five theories about why grilling is a man's world - even though the word, "grill," can be viewed, quite remarkably, as an anagram of "girl" with an extra "l."

But I digress.

Theory 1

The dawn of time.

There is something primal about fire, smoke and raw meat. And there is something just as primitive about men.

Me hunt. Me build fire. Me roast a hunk of mastodon with a little braised celeriac and a hint of smoked morel.

Chris Schlesinger, co-author of the "The Thrill of the Grill" and chef-owner of East Coast Grill in Cambridge, Mass., said he recalls from his own childhood in Virginia something Neanderthal - or at least Cro-Magnon - about returning from a successful grilling adventure with his father.

"We would enter the house through the sliding doors, meat in hand, saying that, yes, once again, we've conquered the uncertainties of the porch and provided a meal for the family," he said.

Not coincidentally, Schlesinger is no fan of gas grilling. He likes charcoal. Wood fires are even better.

He wants his guests to think he has gone to a lot of trouble. A mistake he once made was to show his girlfriend how to grill.

"After the second time she said, 'Is this all there is?' " Schlesinger recalled ruefully. "It's really a pretty easy thing to do."

Theory 2

Men are driven from the house.

In ancient times - during the Eisenhower administration, if I'm not mistaken - grilling was reserved for special events in the summer months. Women, already burdened with virtually every household chore, were happy to get their loutish husbands to do something useful.

Thus, if a man spends hours parked in front of a charcoal grill with beer in hand, there is actually a substantial net gain in productivity. Whereas if a woman did that, the rest of the meal would have to be sacrificed.

"The woman's domain is the house and the hearth," said Steven Raichlen, author of "The Barbecue! Bible," a new 556-page tome on the subject. "Men like to be outside. They're the roasters. Women are the boilers, the stewers."

Raichlen, a Pikesville native, traveled around the world studying barbecue. In most cultures, men were the chief practitioners, he said.

In the U.S., barbecue industry surveys have shown that while men grill, women are more likely to have planned the meal, done the shopping for it, and performed the cleanup afterward.

What else do men contribute? "They are more likely to take the credit for making dinner," said Betty A. Hughes of Weber-Stephen Products, maker of Weber grills.

"There's nothing sexy about baking, deep-fat frying and sauteing, but when you grill, you're the star of the show," said Raichlen. "It's man against the elements. It's you, the food and the flame."

Weber's annual survey of customers found that women grill only 28 percent of the time. (Perhaps not coincidentally, the same poll found that 29 percent of the population lists wussy "grilled vegetables" as their favorite grilled meal.)

Theory 3

From father to son.

Ask Dad about his first experience with a grill, and chances are it involves his father. Maybe they play a lot of baseball in the fields of Iowa, but elsewhere the bonds between fathers and son are forged by flame.

Men, remember the first time you watched as too much lighter fluid was poured on the briquettes and Dad created a fireball that the neighbors still recall with horror?

How about that special moment when your father tried to explain that all that nasty crud stuck to the grill would somehow improve the next steak's flavor?

Andy Nelson Jr., co-owner (along with his brother and father) of Andy Nelson's Southern Pit Barbecue in Cockeysville, said his own introduction to barbecue came 20 years ago with his father's whole pork shoulders cooked slowly Alabama-style in a barrel.

"It's got a tradition that's handed down," said Nelson. "You're around the fire talking. You're drinking beer. It's a social thing."

Theory 4

They're built that way.

Here's the latest news from the grilling front: People aren't buying more grills. They're buying more expensive grills.

As gas has overtaken charcoal in popularity, the average purchase price has gone up substantially. Even with charcoal, people want more substantial grills with options like rotisseries and removable ash catchers.

Hence, you have the marriage of grilling with those two other male obsession: gadgets and their egos.

"It should come as no surprise that grills are found in the hardware section," said George Hirsch, host of TV's "Know Your Fire" grilling program on PBS. "Men love hardware."

Kevin A. Vining, marketing manager for Georgia-based Char-Broil, said much of today's grill designs take into account the gender of their prospective purchaser. Grill lids are meant to evoke the streamlined hoods of sport utility vehicles.

"We're trying to make it as innovative and stylish as possible," said Vining. "We like to pick up design features that you see in cars and trucks."

This year, Char-Broil, one of the country's largest gas-grill makers, introduced one designed to appeal to women. It's an all-electric model, smaller, more compact, with three legs and removable controls for safety.

No big flame, no possibility of explosions, more reliable - in other words, something that men would almost certainly never buy.

"Even barbecue tools are now divided in male and female styles," noted Hirsch. "Men go for the rugged wood handles. Women like stainless steel."

Theory 5

Women are wiser.

This daring, still-unproven theory of superior female intellect is advanced by one Roger Welsch, a former anthropology professor whose reports on rural life from his home in Dannebrog, Neb., are a staple on CBS' "Sunday Morning."

Welsch, author of the book "Diggin' In and Piggin' Out, The Truth About Men and Food," was recently in Austin, Texas, taping a TV pilot when he encountered the ultimate grill - the "Black Diamond," a wood-fired model the size of a steam engine.

Such an awesome contraption can make a man salivate (and become quite protective: Its owner insisted Welsch had to sign a promise to repair any damages just to go near the thing), but leaves women cold.

"Women just aren't interested at all in doing this," he said. "As long as men are content to deal with the smell and the smoke and the danger, women won't want to do it. I tell you, they're too smart for that."

Welsch not only sees little chance the roles will reverse, but also expects men's enthusiasm for grilling to spin off more and more products catering to their unique tastes - for meat and danger.

"If you could invent exploding ribs, you'd make a fortune," he said.

Grill Facts

* Men and women rate their grilling skills far differently. Men give themselves an A at starting a fire. Women give themselves a C+.

* Men are more apt to barbecue than women, 61 percent-39 percent.

* A man is 2-to-1 more likely to decide to buy a grill than a woman.

* While men do the grilling, women are more likely to decide what foods are barbecued.

* Men know hot air: They give themselves a B+ at bragging about their grilling. Women grade their boasts at a paltry C+.

Sources: Opinion polls conducted by the Barbecue Industry Association and Weber-Stephen Products Co.

Pub Date: 8/02/98