THIS YEAR, WHY NOT hold an old-fashioned Fourth of July picnic?
Food poisoning is one good reason. After a few hours in the sun, ordinary potato salad can develop bacteria the size of raccoons. But don't let the threat of an agonizingly painful death prevent you from celebrating the birth of our nation, just as Americans have been doing ever since that historic first July Fourth when our Founding Fathers -- George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Bob Dole and Tony Bennett -- landed on Plymouth Rock.
Step 1 in planning your picnic is to decide on a menu. Martha Stewart has loads of innovative suggestions for unique, imaginative and tasty summer meals. So you can forget about her. "If Martha Stewart comes anywhere near my picnic, she's risking a barbecue fork to the eyeball" should be your patriotic motto. Because you're having a "traditional" Fourth of July picnic, and that means a menu of hot dogs charred into cylinders of industrial-grade carbon, and hamburgers so undercooked that when people try to eat them, they leap off the plate and frolic on the lawn like otters.
Dad should be in charge of the cooking, because only Dad, being a male of the masculine gender, has the mechanical know-how to operate a piece of technology as complex as a barbecue grill.
To be truly traditional, the grill should be constructed of the following materials: 4 percent rust-resistant steel; 58 percent rust; 23 percent hardened black grill scrunge from food cooked as far back as 1987 (the scrunge should never be scraped off, because it is what is actually holding the grill together); 15 percent spiders.
If the grill uses charcoal as a fuel, Dad should remember to start lighting the fire early (no later than April 10), because charcoal, in accordance with federal safety regulations, is a mineral that does not burn. The spiders get a huge kick out of watching Dad attempt to ignite it; they emit hearty spider chuckles and slap themselves on all eight knees. This is why many dads prefer the modern gas grill, which ignites at the press of a button and burns with a steady, even flame until you put food on it, at which time it runs out of gas.
While Dad is saying traditional bad words to the barbecue grill, Mom can organize the kids for a fun activity: making old-fashioned ice cream by hand, the way our grandparents' generation did. You'll need a hand-cranked icecream maker, which you can pick up at any antique store for $1,875. All you do is put in the ingredients, and start cranking! It makes no difference what ingredients you put in, because -- I speak from bitter experience here -- no matter how long you crank them, they will never, ever turn into ice cream. Scientists laugh at the very concept. "Ice cream is not formed by cranking," they point out. "Ice cream is formed by freezers." Our grandparents wasted millions of man-hours trying to produce ice cream by hand; this is what caused the Great Depression.
When the kids get tired of trying to make ice cream (allow about 25 seconds for this), it's time to play some traditional July Fourth games. One of the most popular is the sack race. All you need is a bunch of old-fashioned burlap sacks, which you can obtain from the J. Peterman catalog for $227.50 apiece. Call the kids outside, have them line up on the lawn and give each one a sack to climb into; then shout "GO!" and watch the hilarious antics begin as, one by one, the kids sneak back indoors and resume trying to locate pornography on the Internet.
Come nightfall, though, every- body will be drawn back outside by the sound of loud, traditional Fourth of July explosions coming from all around the neighborhood. These are caused by the fact that various dads, after consuming a number of traditionally fermented beverages, have given up on conventional charcoal-lighting products and escalated to gasoline. As the spectacular pyrotechnic show lights up the night sky, you begin to truly appreciate the patriotic meaning of the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner," written by Francis Scott Key to commemorate the fledgling nation's first barbecue:
And the grill parts' red glare;
Flaming spiders in air;
Someone call 911;
There's burning scrunge in Dad's hair.
After the traditional visit to the hospital emergency room, it's time to gather 'round and watch Uncle Bill set off the fireworks that he purchased from a roadside stand operated by people who spend way more on tattoos than dental hygiene. As Uncle Bill lights the firework fuse and scurries away, everybody is on pins and needles until, suddenly and dramatically, the fuse goes out. So Uncle Bill relights the fuse and scurries away again, and the fuse goes out again, and so on, with Uncle Bill scurrying back and forth with his Bic lighter like a deranged Olympic torchbearer until, finally, the fuse burns all the way down, and the firework, emitting a smoke puff the size of a grapefruit, makes a noise -- "phut" -- like a squirrel passing gas. Wow! What a fitting climax for your traditional old-fashioned July Fourth picnic!
Next year you'll go out for Chinese food.
Pub Date: 6/28/98