I HAVE BEEN flipping through fall fashion magazines trying to find my persona for this season, and I can only conclude that no one was thinking about me when they were designing this stuff.
Shrink-wrapped T's? Te-ee-eny, we-ee-eny little sweaters cropped to the waist? Black leather mini-skirts no bigger than a dinner napkin? Spikey high heels? Lime green?
Not me, and not anybody I know.
Take a look at Vogue, Glamour and Harper's Bazaar and you will see a fashion season suitable only for women with eating disorders. Your rib and pelvic bones must be visible in order to wear this stuff, and I would need an MRI to find mine.
What happened to loose? I loved loose when it was in. Everyone I know was into loose. How could loose disappear from the fashion scene when it had so much support?
Speaking of support, this, too, is missing this fashion season. Holiday dresses are just little wisps of fabric held in place only by the taut bosoms across which they are precariously draped.
These dresses are called "slinks," and aptly so. No structure. No support. No shape. No underwear. I'd need fasteners and a glue gun to keep one in place.
Nothing fits me this fashion season. The new rules don't apply to anyone who keeps her suit jacket on all day. No woman I know will be buying these styles unless they put mind-altering drugs in the water supply. We could not face ourselves in the dressing-room mirror.
None of these sorry facts, though, keeps me from wanting to know what women are wearing this fall, if only so I can criticize the ones who have got it all wrong. I can't wear these clothes, but that doesn't mean I can't be petty. (Don't be walking by me in the chunky-heel oxfords from last season, darling.)
As a public service, I have condensed this season's fashion trends for those of you who wouldn't look any better in them than I. Here's what you should know, even if your clothes purchases this fall will consist of relaxed-fit jeans and a new, over-large sweater.
* Navy is no longer the "new black." Gray is the new black. It is not clear what this means to that fashion staple, the little black dress. Is it now the little gray dress?
* You don't have to wear leggings this year. Could there be better news than this?
* Miniskirts are in, but they are considered dowdy unless they have a slit. Many of us will be able to recycle our old minis by simply attempting to sit down in them.
* All the colors and the decades are being recycled to such a degree that we must all have revolving doors installed on the bedroom closet.
The way these witless revivals stand right now, women are doing the go-go '80s again with the power-dressing menswear look. The teens are doing the '70s, with bell bottoms, hip huggers and fringed jeans.
This means that while your daughter wouldn't be caught dead dressing out of your closet this fall, she and her friends are calling the stuff we wore in the '70s "vintage" which makes us, what, antique?
* If you must buy only one new outfit this fall, make it pin-striped. And they can be so-o-o slimming.
* The experts say fashion is all over the map this season, which means no one could make a decision, so you don't have to make one, either.
* Big silver and chrome jewelry is in, which is unfortunate news for those of us who finally have our diamond stud earrings. And you can coordinate your nail color with your jewelry, if you have time for one and can remember to wear the other.
* Androgyny is hip this season. Get the Victor/Victoria look by mixing a masculine pants suit with a lace camisole and drive your neglected sexuality right into cold storage.
* That Big Bird coat on the cover of Vogue is called a "chubby" in an uncharacteristic display of candor by the fashion industry.
And finally, news you can use: Stone-washed jeans are out, dark denim and deep indigo are in.
No one has to know if they are a size larger than last season.
Pub Date: 9/21/97