Here are special presents sure to inspire holiday jeer


Oh, you'd better not run, you'd better not hide,

Better not be a bum, I'm telling you why,

The co-lum-nist is writing it down!

The co-lum-nist is writing it down!

5) The co-lum-nist is writing it dow-on!


Holiday gifts, 1996

Roberto Alomar -- Cotton mouth.

Bobby Bonilla -- A starting DH assignment whenever Florida plays an interleague road game.

David Wells -- A stomachache heard 'round the world in New York, so he can be just like his idol, Babe Ruth.

Davey Johnson -- A copy of the new book, "Players are from Pluto, Managers are from Mars."

Cal Ripken -- A free clinic from three of his immortal predecessors at third base -- Kelly Paris, Wade Rowdon and Rick Schu.

Mike Bordick -- Extra pairs of socks to fill those shoes.

Rafael Palmeiro -- 10,000 All-Star ballots to fill out himself.

Peter Angelos -- Now doing the play-by-play -- John Tesh! ("It's 9-0 Detroit, but there's something poetic in the Orioles' play tonight, something magical, something grand.")

Pat Gillick -- A July trade that Angelos doesn't veto.

Jon Miller -- A season of bleeding orange and black -- for the Giants.

Ron Shapiro -- A dozen roses to present to Angelos.

Brady Anderson -- Albert Belle money.

Mike Mussina -- Roger Clemens money.

Ray Miller -- Patience.

Jeffrey Maier -- A spanking.

He's making a list, doesn't have to be nice.

He might rip you once. He might rip you twice.

The co-lum-nist is writing it down!

3' The co-lum-nist is writing it down!


The Ravens -- A new rule that reduces their games to 30 minutes.

Paul Tagliabue -- A Carolina-Jacksonville Super Bowl, complete with the lowest TV ratings in Super Bowl history.

Art Modell -- A winning lottery ticket, so he can finance his new stadium and his 1997 signing bonuses, all in one fell swoop!

PSL buyers -- Free bankruptcy advice.

Vinny Testaverde -- Another 30 touchdown passes and 4,000 yards -- and no more dumb mistakes.

Ozzie Newsome -- A $10 million loophole under the cap.

Ted Marchibroda -- Four pass rushers, three linebackers, two cornerbacks and a partridge in a pear tree.

The Ravens' secondary -- Reconstructive finger surgeries so they can keep pointing at someone else.

Marvin Lewis -- Another chance.

CFL -- R.I.P.

Jim Speros -- What the heck, another loan.

Norv Turner -- An even bigger collapse next season.

Jack Kent Cooke -- Traffic jams, faulty bathrooms, Ravens 28, Redskins 27.

Gov. Glendening -- Parris N. Glendening Stadium -- NOT!

He sees you in the clubhouse.

He knows if you're a fake.

He knows if you've been bad or good.

So you'd better be good for your image's sake!

7+ (Better be good for your image's sake.)


Gary Williams -- 31-0 (see, we have to be nice to Gary, or his friends start leaving phone messages and writing nasty letters).

Keith Booth -- An NBA jumper.

Dennis Rodman -- The Calvin Klein collection -- his and hers.

Andrew Golota -- Rock-'Em-Sock-'Em Robots, so he can learn where punches are supposed to land.

Mike Tyson -- A fight against Golota.

Evander Holyfield -- Retirement.

Albert Belle -- 65 homers, 190 RBIs -- and still no MVP.

Lou Holtz -- Six job offers, all from junior high schools.

Michael Johnson -- The 800, the 1,500, the 3,000

Carl Lewis -- Japanese citizenship, so he can compete in one more Olympic relay.

Jerry Jones, Barry Switzer and Co. -- Panthers 35, Cowboys 14.

Rich Kotite -- A game against Rick Venturi.

Rick Venturi -- A game against Rich Kotite.

Bud Selig -- 73-89.

Jerry Reinsdorf -- 63-99.

.' George Steinbrenner -- 53-109.


Oh, you'd better not growl, you'd better not lie.

Better not scowl, I'm telling you why.

The co-lum-nist is writing it down!

The co-lum-nist is writing it down!

The co-lum-nist is writing it do-own!

Happy holidays, everyone.

Pub Date: 12/25/96

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