Madonna is the mother of all mothers


MADONNA is pregnant, and she did it the right way.

She picked up a stud in Central Park, put him on the payroll and then locked the bedroom door.

Wow, what a parenting concept.

While the rest of us are slogging through stale relationships for the sake of the kids, the Material Girl spotted some material she liked while jogging and got herself pregnant.

And she thought she'd have to put an ad in the newspaper to find a father for her baby. . . .

According to press reports out of New York, Madonna, who turns this summer and has heard her biological clock ticking inside her stage headset for some time, met Carlos Leon in Central Park in September 1994 and immediately fell in love with his sunglasses.

He has a tattoo of the date over his left biceps.

Anyway, she hired the one-time bicycle messenger as her personal trainer, and the manager at the World Gym in New York says he used to talk to her while she did the Stair Master and stuff.

So. Love blooms and she asks to meet his mother and she drags him to fertility clinics and she puts him through who-knows-what paces after sundown and -- there you have it -- a baby.

And the rest of you thought you had to have shared values.

Give Madonna credit. When you've built your career dancing in front of half-naked guys in rags and chains, you don't wait till your wedding night to make a baby.

After all, Madonna didn't adopt the phrase "boy toy" because she likes rhymes. She believes that's what they are. Watch her treat Warren Beatty like a lap dog in the movie "Truth or Dare" and you will understand.

("Warren! Get over here right now or I'm leaving without you," Madonna barks into the phone.)

Anyway, it looks as though there is trouble in this loosely assembled family unit. He still lives at home with his mom and dad and he likes his mother's cooking best and he has this temper and he doesn't like it when Madonna bosses him around.

And he broke up with the mother of his child a few months ago when she started hanging around one of her old girlfriends, if you know what I mean.

Well, if Madonna finds she can't make a commitment to heterosexuality, let alone a particular heterosexual, Carlos can always return to his career as an aspiring actor. He was, like, um, a finalist for roles in a couple of episodes of "NYPD Blue."

But Madonna's publicist assures us that Carlos is a "stabilizing influence" on Madonna and she is incredibly happy and fulfilled and her eyes are all sparkly and she hasn't had any morning sickness or anything. Carlos flew to her side as soon as word leaked about the baby and they are holed up in a hotel in Budapest while she finishes the filming of "Evita."

Poor Dennis Rodman. If he'd just had a special Madonna date tattooed on his body instead of absolutely everything else he could think of, he'd be Carlos Leon right now.

Even if things work out with Carlos, the cycling sperm bank, and this baby holds Madonna's attention for more than, like, 10 minutes, I see difficulties in the future beyond those which breast-feeding may present.

For instance, will the baby be raised in the church?

Madonna is Catholic and did time at a convent school and has her own line of fashion rosaries. But she is apparently conflicted about her faith, which explains the video in which she seduces a statue of Jesus that comes to life. But she does hold hands and pray with her dancers before each concert to ask God for a great show, so my guess is there will be a baptism, if not a wedding.

But how to explain the family photo album titled "Sex" and the video of mom in bed wearing a dog collar? I can hear it now: "See, honey? That's mommy masturbating on stage in Toronto with the police just off stage waiting to arrest her. And there's daddy, delivering a Fed Ex package."

Oh, those awkward moments when the kids want to know what mommy and daddy did before they were born.

And when the child asks where babies come from, Madonna will be stuck for a short answer, one that doesn't include equipment and extra people.

Well, Madonna. Congratulations and good luck. I can only offer the blessing mothers have offered pregnant daughters for generations: "I hope you have a girl and she's just like you."

Pub Date: 4/23/96

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