I've heard it said that the surest way to clear all the women out of a room is to turn on the Three Stooges. Turn on A&E;'s Biography series tonight to see if it works.
"Noah's Ark" (8 p.m.-9 p.m., WMAR, Channel 2) -- Lloyd Bridges, who's played everything from an almost-bad-guy in "High Noon" to a guy who was all wet in "Sea Hunt" to a glue-sniffing airport official in "Airplane!" guest stars as Noah's father-in-law. And in a plot twist hardly ever seen on network TV, he and Noah don't get along. How do they dream up this stuff? ABC.
"Melrose Place" (8 p.m.-9 p.m., WBFF, Channel 45) -- Loni Anderson shows up to do some mischief. Fox.
"Untamed Heart" (9 p.m.-11 p.m., WBAL, Channel 11) -- Marisa Tomei and Christian Slater try to generate sparks as a waitress and busboy in Minneapolis.NBC.
Murder One" (10 p.m.-11 p.m., WMAR, Channel 2) -- Both Richard Cross and Neil Avedon, the former and present defendants, hit the witness stand. Meanwhile, Justine Appleton, who was fired two weeks ago by Ted Hoffman, goes to work for Cross . . . sort of. ABC.
"West Virginia" (10 p.m.-midnight, MPT, Channels 22 and 67) -- This history of our neighbor to the west (and rival in the "Weirdest-Shaped State" competition) concludes with events leading up to the present day, including violence against coal miners in the town of Matewan (later the subject of a John Sayles film) and reminisences from Robert Byrd, one of the most powerful men in the U.S. Senate.
"Cheers" (11 p.m.-11: 30 p.m., WBFF, Channel 45) -- Andy, the reformed(?) killer Sam once sent on a blind date with Diane, returns with aspirations of becoming an actor. But when Diane offers to help him act out his Shakespearean tragedy, the line between truth and drama gets stretched pretty thin. Of course, you'll be too busy laughing to worry. Fox.
"Say Anything . . ." (11 a.m.-1 p.m., USA) -- A marvelous film, as John Cusack falls in love with the beautiful and seemingly untouchable Ione Skye, then watches helplessly as things inexorably -- and inevitably -- begin to fall apart. The poignant charm of the film is captured most perfectly when Cusack stands forlornly outside Skye's window, holding aloft his boombox and hoping Peter Gabriel's singing will convince her of his love in ways he can't quite muster.
"Supercollectors" (3: 30 p.m.-4 p.m., f/x) -- This showcase for the country's most obsessive collectors debuts today with a visit to Baltimore and Bob White, whose collection of JFK-related items includes one of the former president's wallets and a piece of the car he was riding in when he was assassinated.
"Biography" (8 p.m.-9 p.m., repeats midnight-1 a.m., A&E;) -- It's the Three Stooges, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Did you know that there were actually six men who played the Three Stooges? And that three of them were brothers? You will after watching this.
"P.T. Barnum: America's Greatest Showman" (10 p.m.-11 p.m., Discovery) -- The circus may not be in town, but one of the greatest American showmen ever will be through Wednesday, thanks to this three-part look at the life of P. T. Barnum.
Pub Date: 4/01/96