O. J. INC. WHAT can I do for you?"
"I want a hot guest -- something different -- for my daughter's wedding. Do you have any prosecutors available?"
"I'm sorry -- all our prosecutors are taken for a Halloween party in Malibu. Would you like to rent a DNA expert from New Jersey who found blood in the spare tire of the Bronco?"
"No, this is a high-class wedding, and I want to impress my guests. Could you get me Judge Ito to perform the ceremony?"
"He's not available. He's in the process of writing a book. I might suggest one of the defense attorneys. They are excellent witnesses, and if someone objects to the marriage they will gladly jump in and yell, 'Question irrelevant!' "
"Who else is for hire?"
"Mark Fuhrman happens to be free that weekend."
"I'm not certain he would fit the bill. He might use a letter from the alphabet that would offend them."
"That is all we have for the weekend. Everyone who was involved with the case is either out on the lecture circuit, writing a book, developing a TV series or preparing to be on the Tom Brokaw show. If you want a juror for the weekend, the only one I could come up with was an alternate. What we're dealing with is pure, unadulterated fame. No one has ever seen anything like it. Even the bailiff who swore in the witnesses has a six-figure
contract with the National Enquirer."
Is Kato available?
"What about Kato? Could we get him to be our best man?"
"I believe he is available. What else did you want him to do?"
"I thought during the cake-cutting ceremony he could tell us about the thump, thump, thump he heard in the night."
"I'll have to check with him. By the way, we are also representing the expert lawyers hired by all the networks to tell the public what was going on in the jury room."
"I'm afraid they're overexposed. Look, this is my only daughter's wedding, and I want to make it something special. What would it cost me to get the BIG GUY?"
"He's not doing weddings. He can fill Madison Square Garden right now. He's bigger than any rock star. Forget him, because I can't offer him at this time."
"Okay, I'll hire one prosecutor, one defense attorney and a glove expert. They can mingle with my guests, but they can't dance with them."
7+ Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.