A look at Kato Kaelin's diary:
Monday, 10 a.m. -- My agent called today. And he's like: "I got you this gig, OK? It's this Poultry Festival in Kansas City. You dress up in this chicken costume, sign some autographs, pose )) for a few pictures. Two hours, max. It's good money, Kato."
And I'm like: "No way! You want me to do that biker bar where the smoke shoots from the stage and the waitresses balance tequila shooters on their chests, fine. But I'm not dressing up in some stupid chicken costume."
'Cause I got an image to protect.
Tuesday, 11:20 a.m. -- I did this gig with the morning guys on Zoo-102? And one of them introduced me as "professional houseguest Kato Kaelin."
And I'm like: "Um, excuse me, Mr. Smash, but when did the term "houseguest" acquire such a negative connotation?"
And he's like: "Well, I, uh . . ."
And I'm like: "You know, when someone puts me up for two or three years in their beautifully appointed, 2,500-square-foot guest cottage, I don't just sit on my butt. Lots of times I vacuum their pool or walk their dogs."
And this radio guy's like: "Stay with us, we'll be right back."
So I guess I shut him up.
Tuesday, 3:35 p.m. -- My new book is out. It's selling pretty well, I guess. We ended up calling it "Kato Kaelin: The Whole Truth," even though I wanted to call it "My Pretty Cool Life."
Originally I had a lot of neat stuff in there about my childhood and about the time I met Jon Bon Jovi and jammed with the band, and then we went to breakfast at this diner in Edison, N.J. Plus there were personal grooming tips.
But the book people were like: "Look, you gotta put some stuff about O.J. and Nicole in there.
And I'm like: "What for?"
And they're like: "'Cause that's what the readers want."
So now there's lots of stupid stuff in there about how Nicole was afraid of O.J. and about their fights. And about the night me and O.J. went to McDonald's.
Like no one's ever been to McDonald's.
Wednesday, 10:45 a.m. -- You know what's really getting old? This thing with my hair. Everywhere I go, it's: "What's with your hair, what's with your hair?"
And I'm like: "It's just hair, man. You highlight it, mousse it, bend over, flip it down, blow-dry it, flip it back up, slap some gel on it, brush it, run your fingers through it. What's the big deal?"
Wednesday, 4:20 p.m. -- You know who can really get on your nerves? Barbara Walters. I did this interview with her? On "20/20?"
And she's like: "Kato, your book portrays O.J. Simpson in a much more negative light than did your testimony on the witness stand. Why is that?"
And I'm like: "Um, I don't know."
And she's like: "Well, it does."
And I'm like: "OK, whatever."
And she just sits there. Like she's waiting for me to say something else.
So I said: "Is there a Chi-Chi's around here? I'm starved."
Thursday, 10:20 p.m. -- You ever have one of those days? I'm in Chicago, right? 'Cause I just did this Literacy Fair? With Saul Bellow and Studs Terkel? I had to dress up in a book costume, but it was OK.
Anyway, I'm in my hotel room that night and I'm watching one of those Spectra-vision movies? "House Party II?"
And I'm like: "You know what would be cool right now? Cocktail peanuts!"
So I go in the mini-bar? And there's, like, no cocktail peanuts.
They got beer, wine, soda, potato chips, pretzels, cheese and crackers, fresh fruit, etc. But no cocktail peanuts.
So I call the front desk and they're like: "Sorry, Mr. Kaelin, we don't stock cocktail peanuts. Can we send anything else up?"
And I'm like: "Oh, that's just great!"
I was major bummed. So I went to bed.
Friday, 9:25 a.m. -- I was staring at my hands today? And you know those, like, lines? That crisscross your hands? Aren't they weird?
What do they call those things? Lines on your hand?
Friday, 5:30 p.m. -- I did this gig in Miami? Judging a bikini contest? With Jose Canseco and Dr. Ruth Westheimer? It was pretty cool. But that Dr. Ruth, she never shuts up. She kept yakking and yakking. And with that accent, I was like: "Lady, I can't even understand you."
Saturday, 11 p.m. -- You know who's really cool? That Tasmanian Devil guy. On the cartoons? The way he does all those spins? That is so cool."