Dole raps music, scolds Hollywood, endorses apple pie

OK, let's concede one thing. When Bob "Mack Daddy" Dole stakes out a position, he stakes out a position.

Here goes:


Bob Dole, who wants to be your president, thinks some rap music is too raunchy.

And he also thinks some movies, except the ones starring famous Republican-style Hollywood actors, are too violent.


Is this guy a visionary or what?

Maybe I've got it backward. It might be that Dole thinks movies are too raunchy and rap music is too violent. And then there are those (gasp) violent, raunchy movies with hip-hop sound-tracks, and let's not even get started on MTV.

Whatever, Dole went to Hollywood the other night, said what he had to say, said it hard, said it mean, said it like Charlton Heston would say it when he brings down the laws from the mountain-top, and then got out of town before he was infected himself.

He said it like Phil "Soft Porn" Gramm would have said it if Gramm hadn't been too busy at the time pitching his own new movie -- "The Wenches of Madison County."

Actually, Dole sounded most like Winston Churchill confronting the Nazi menace. Listen in on Dole's speech, and be ready to salute.

"We will contest them for the heart and soul of every child, in every neighborhood," he said of the evil-mongers that rule the popular culture and condemn innocent children to a life with Japanese-made earphones connected to their heads. "For we who are outraged also have the freedom to speak. If we refuse to condemn evil, it is not tolerance but surrender. And we will never surrender."

You might think he was talking about the blitz. Instead, it was the movie "True Romance," which, gosh, yes, has made this country unfit for decent men and women to live in.

As someone who wants to be your next president, Dole wants it clear that he is against gratuitous violence and virtually all sex in movies, including those he's never seen.


Tomorrow Dole is scheduled to come out in favor of motherhood. The next day, he may support better-tasting, low-fat ice cream, if the focus groups approve.

Talk about courage. Come on, you've got to be brave to be a 71-year-old white guy and take on rap music. There is the slight chance you might just come off looking ridiculous. I'm guessing that when Dole fires up the Victrola, he's generally getting down with, let's say, the soundtrack to "Oklahoma!" I'm sure Dole thinks Heavy D is something the Redskins use in short-yardage situations.

What I'm suggesting is, if Bob Dole can critique rap music, then Dr. Dre should be heard on the flat tax. Is Dole running for America's president or America's critic (he wants to be Siskel or Ebert, whichever one is the skinny one)?

You know what's going on. Dole isn't sufficiently conservative for some people in his party. Who could be when Beavis and Butt-head (I mean, Dornan and Buchanan) are among his rivals for the nomination?

So Dole went after rock and roll and movies, although he clearly avoided the the Big Republican 3 in movie violence -- Bruce and Arnold and Sly. You can take a point only so far.

Besides, the real issue here is probably the Phil Gramm issue. I love the Phil Gramm issue.


Gramm, who also wants to be your president, is the one who attacks Clinton for dodging the draft when he dodged it himself. And he's the one who stands up for family values when he once invested in a soft-porn movie about, of all things, Richard Nixon, in which the Nixon character is completely naked.

My only regret is that Gramm wasn't actually in the movie himself.

According to the account I read, Gramm got interested in the genre when he saw "Truck Stop Woman." Who's his movie adviser, Clarence Thomas? Gramm tried to invest in that movie, but it was oversold. Then he got involved in a movie called "Beauty Queens," but it never got made.

Finally, Gramm put $7,500 in "White House Madness," a raunchy spoof about Nixon. The best part, apparently, involves Billy Graham tying Nixon to a bed and performing an exorcism. Talk about strange bedfellows. You'd pay to see that.

Well, Gramm helped pay to make it. That was the mid-'70s. Years later, he's introducing the Christian Coalition's social contract with America, including the part about restricting pornography.

That's show biz.