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Fathering a child is easy fatherhood takes time


If you think about it, one of the easiest things a male can do is become a biological father.

By the time we're 12 years old, most of us are not only physically capable of this deed, but eager to give it a try. Actually, the end result -- fatherhood -- is not foremost in our minds, but the process is.

It can take as little as a few seconds in bed, on a sofa, in the back seat of a car, on a beach, in a hallway, a bush, a tent or an igloo. Just about any place on the face of the Earth will do, as today's movie scripts demonstrate. When a guy puts his mind to becoming a biological father, he's not fussy about where. The big question is always when?

You can have the I.Q. of a frog and become a biological father. And why not? Frogs do.

To show how easy it can be, one of the most productive biological fathers on record was Emperor Moulay (The Bloody) Ismael of Morocco, who had 525 sons and 342 daughters by numerous wives by the time he was 30.

Actually, that's a meaningless record. Any able-glanded man could become a biological father thousands of times if he knew enough cooperative females. Fortunately, most women aren't eager to share in such records. For them, a roll in the hay is the beginning of a long, arduous process. The male, on the other hand, is merely along for the ride.

And as the deadbeat rates for child support indicate, the ride is often over almost before it begins.

It's so easy to become a biological father that you really don't need a willing partner. Even a rapist can do it, and some have, which shows that old Mother Nature isn't much of a feminist.

Which leads me to Chicagoan Otakar (Otto) Kirchner, who has had more than his 15 minutes of fame by being the biological father of Baby Richard, a 4-year-old boy caught in a nightmarish legal tug of war.

It appears that Kirchner has the law on his side and, unless something unexpected happens, will get possession of his biological son, who only recently was told that Kirchner exists.

That's the law, but it doesn't mean that the law is right. Common sense tells us that it isn't; that Baby Richard should remain with the adoptive parents who brought him home from the hospital and have raised him as their own child.

The higher courts are impressed by Kirchner's claims as the biological father. But what is it that he did, besides hop in the sack with a very good-looking woman?

Did the prospect of becoming a father impress him so much that he rushed her to the altar as soon as it was known that his seed was effective?

Nah, he couldn't make up his mind. He was still in love with his longtime sweetie, Maria. Then he was in love with the pregnant Daniela. Then with Maria. Then with Daniela. Maybe both at the same time. Some guys aren't sure where they're going to have breakfast.

As most mothers will agree, the place for a father to be nine months after he does his thing is right there in the maternity ward. If he can't share the pain, the least a man can do is show up to express curiosity and throw in a few reassuring hand squeezes.

But where was Otto when his biological child came into the world? Pacing in the hospital's waiting room? Asking a nurse how it's going?

No, while Daniela spent nine hours grunting and groaning to make Otto a biological father, the biological daddy was visiting relatives in Europe, reportedly with the always-reliable Maria.

Most women would take that as kind of a snub. But most judges are not women.

So the evidence indicates that about all Otto did to establish himself as a biological father was what most young men would do if a good-looking blond said: "You want to come up for a drink?"

Does that make him a father? The law says, yes. So do blood tests, DNA tests and the rest of it.

But common sense says that after four years, the true father is the man who has been raising Baby Richard since birth. And, according to all reports, doing a fine job of it. All Otto did was enjoy getting lucky, as the saying goes.

And if Daniela had just said, "No, I have a splitting headache," maybe Otto would still be running around Europe with Maria.

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