Oysterback, Maryland. -- Fresh dispatches from the Oysterback Bugeye:
The "Patamoke Peeper" has been apprehended by Sheriff Wesley Briscoe. It turned out to be the town criminal, Alonzo Deaver, who was not peeping, as many have thought, but stealing shrubbery for resale to new homeowners at the Shallow Shore Doublewide Park. That's Alonzo's story and he says he's sticking to it. . . .
Paisley Redmond is back at home with wife Beth and son Olivier after his return from an unexpected trip to New York in the back of the Patamoke Seafood Truck along with a quarter ton of Cap'n Fike's Flash Frozen Breaded Clam Strips. He says from now on he will find another place for nap breaks while working double shifts at the seafood plant but he enjoyed his visit to Planet Hollywood. . . .
Fribby Dixon reports news from Reverend Claude Crouch, the Traveling Evangelist. Claude, who has been shifting gears for God on the sawdust trail at the True Doctrine Transmission Shop in Virginia Beach, says he is changing lanes once again. Claude says he has received the call to sell time shares in the new condos for Christ going up over to Winona. . . .
Mrs. Fenwick Bunting Stockton-Fenwick, a genealogist from Rehobeth Beach who has found a way to trace her lineage back to The Creator, will address the combined Santimoke and
Devanau Daughters of Historical Lineage meeting next Tuesday at Mount Boredom, the historical old mansion. Since most of them are of an age to anticipate a meeting with the Great Historical Ancestor in person, this seems appropriate. . . .
Hagar Jump, Oysterback's postmaster, reports that the Patamoke Community Theatre in the Oblong will be offering "Show boat" instead of "Hello Dolly" this spring due to a leak in the plumbing when the pipes burst in the big freeze. . . .
Captain and Mrs. Lennie Skinner are spending a weekend alone at their cottage in Ocean City, where they will be cleaning up for the coming summer renters. . . .
Shelly Briscoe, of Shelly's Buttons'n'Bows Kountry Krafts, will be giving an Easter Bunny Workshop at the Community Center Saturday. Those who wish to make an exciting and unusual Easter Bunny are asked to bring a photograph of Lamar Alexander, a can of stewed tomatoes and an old tractor-trailer tire. . . .
Bobby Smoot, son of Eulalia Drain Smoot of Wallopsville and Harley Smoot of Patamoke, who has just graduated from Yale cum laude last December has finally found full-time employment after a long search. Bobby will be assuming his duties as assistant second-shift manager at the Buy and Bag this week. Stop by and wish him well as he hands you your shopping cart. . . .
Patamoke Jaycees Pearl "Widge" Tutweiler and Ursus Monie are organizing a bus trip to see all the tourist attractions of Glen Burnie. A box lunch and an English-speaking tour guide will be provided. Anyone who is interested in seeing the sights of this legendary Maryland tourist Mecca should contact Pearl down to the office at the Seafood Plant, or Ursus over to Ray Bob's Gas'n' Go. . . .
Eugene Boudine, musical director of the West Hundred Community Orchestra, will be emceeing the "A Tribute to Seafood Products" Parade celebrating National Manufactured Food Day. The parade will start at the Community Theater in the Oblong at noon and proceed to the Seafood Plant. Patamoke Fire and Rescue will host neighboring VFD's Oysterback and Wallopsville. The Forklift Precision Drill Team, the West Hundred High School Band and the All Watermen Elvis Impersonators' Glee Society will also march. Float themes will include Miss Shrimp Bite, Clam Strips on the March and Fun with Fish Sticks. . . .
Orville Tutweiler, book critic for The Bugeye, will be this month's speaker at Great Books. His topic will be "Testosterone Bridges of Cedar Bend: On Objective Correlative and Negative Capability in the novels of Robert James Waller, Who is Just So Butch."
If Wade and Mookie are out of jail by the opening gun, Mr. Earl's Party Farm will kick off the season with an early-bird special Battle of the Bands this Saturday Night. Norris Peavine's Mello-Groov D.J. Services will officiate the non-stop action. Shirts and ties for all the guys, stag and drag admissions. Bands will include Reform School Sluts, Hellbusters, Satan's Hot Dogs and the Patamoke Community Orchestra's Lush 'n' Easy Strings.
Helen Chappell is the amanuensis of Oysterback.