Better to laugh than cry, even as the game of baseball crumbles at the hands of players and owners. The mess they've created can be amusing, in a tragic sort of way.
* Fourteen of the New York Mets replacement players have gained weight since the beginning of spring training. Pitcher Doug Sisk reportedly gained 15 pounds in a 10-day period.
"I'm going to have to take the chow out of the clubhouse," said Mets manager Dallas Green.
Everyone has said these replacement players are hungry.
* Playing the Texas Rangers used to mean facing The Express, Nolan Ryan. Now it means facing the Express-O -- right-hander Tom Arrington, who quit his job working in a coffee shop in Mill Valley, Calif., to play replacement ball.
* Before being admonished by Cincinnati owner Marge Schott last week, the Reds' Davey Johnson had left the game-to-game managerial duties to Ray Knight, his most trusted coach. Knight took his work seriously, preparing pages of detailed notes, and he was in charge when Cincinnati won its first exhibition.
His preparation, however, apparently didn't include learning the names of his players. Asked whom he had intended to use as closer, Knight said, "I can't remember his name . . . . The fat guy."
Oh, yeah. The fat guy.
* New York Yankees reliever Steve Howe said he is thinking about crossing the line and joining the replacement players.
Steve Howe, the same guy who lectured the owners on the morals of their bargaining strategy in one negotiating session last fall.
* The Detroit Tigers -- that team with all those big sluggers -- ended a 130-inning streak without a home run this week when the immortal Jim Givens cleared the wall.
"Luck," Givens said. "All luck. One hundred percent luck."
* Chris Wyrick, who could replace St. Louis shortstop Ozzie Smith on Opening Day, has no intention of mimicking Smith's trademark somersault and back flip. "I could do a forward roll," Wyrick said.
* Cardinals manager Joe Torre has been much more light-hearted this spring. "This is my replacement personality," Torre said.
* Of Milwaukee's first 20 replacement games, only two lasted three hours or more. "They've been complaining about slow games for years," said replacement pitcher Tim Dell. "This is the answer -- replacement ball. As a replacement player, you don't have to look as good. You're not up there styling. We drive a Pacer, not a Lexus."
* Oakland general manager Sandy Alderson on the head of the union: "In a previous life, Don Fehr was a wet blanket."
* The Florida Marlins are pushing their replacement game tickets with this full-page ad: "You don't know them. They don't know you. But you do have one thing in common. You love the game."
We have a lot more in common than that. We can't hit, run or throw much, either.
Labor-free zone
In their decade-long search to find a left-hander, the Los Angeles Dodgers are interested in signing Derek Lilliquist. . . . Marlins reliever Bryan Harvey plans to report to the Florida camp to rehabilitate his right elbow. . . . Spotted working out at Jack Russell Stadium in Clearwater on Thursday night: Philadelphia third baseman Dave Hollins and pitchers Curt Schilling and Tommy Greene.
The Rangers signed former O's third baseman Mike Pagliarulo to a minor-league contract, but look for Texas to keep him in the big leagues once the major-leaguers return. . . . The Cleveland Indians have no interest in re-signing designated hitter Dave Winfield, whom they traded for after the strike began. . . . The Brewers signed former Reds catcher Joe Oliver, who missed most of last season because of an arthritis-like condition in his knees and ankles, and announced that catcher Dave Nilsson will undergo knee surgery in his native Australia. If Oliver regains his old form, Nilsson could be moved to first base.
If the Tigers hire Bill Plummer as their Triple-A manager, that could be the first nail in the coffin of Sparky Anderson, who is on sabbatical in California. Plummer would replace Tom Runnells, who has stepped in for Anderson. Club president John McHale said, "Our feeling when Sparky left in mid-February was that if he returned during spring training, it would be relatively easy for him to do so. But after spring training, it gets complicated."
The Tigers expect an Opening Day crowd of 25,000-30,000, as opposed to the usual 50,000. . . . If the Orioles or Cardinals sign Andy Benes, look for the San Diego Padres to sign ex-Ranger Kevin Brown to a one-year contract.
Warning: labor stuff
To repeat, the union is in danger of splintering. The smoke that foretells of a growing conflagration within the ranks is rising; the rumors of players crossing are mounting. These days,
conversations with strikers, as a general rule, go something like this: Five minutes of on-the-record, anti-owner rhetoric, followed by a pause, followed by the quiet question, "What do you think?"
They are having doubts. In 1972, when the average salary was about $20,000 and players were tied to their teams for life, fighting a prolonged battle with owners made sense. The objectives were clear and tangible. Now, when the median salary is about $500,000 per year and union members can play baseball for four or five years and never have to work another day in their lives, waging war doesn't make as much sense.
The rewards of playing -- even under the owners' salary cap proposal -- are too fantastic to walk away from without internal debate. One question they are asking themselves is, why? The objectives aren't quite so clear anymore.
The owners' objective, however, is real and obtainable -- break the union. If the hawks among the owners maintain control of the bargaining strategy and the season actually begins with replacement players, they will sit back and wait for the players association to fall apart.
It's interesting that so many players are lauding Orioles owner VTC Peter Angelos for speaking his mind and taking a stand for what he thinks is right. Phillies outfielder Lenny Dykstra did about the same thing, breaking ranks with his peers, and got blasted for doing so. Guess it's all a matter of perspective.
Angelos isn't the only owner questioning the decisions of the lords.
"Any way you analyze it, it's an economic disaster," Dodgers owner Peter O'Malley said last week. "This is a major event, and the ramifications are greater than anyone realizes.
"You hear Bud Selig and others say the short-term pain will be worth the long-term gain. Well, I'd like someone to explain that one to me. How anyone can come to that conclusion is beyond me."
Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who has said that baseball as we love it may not resume until 1996 and has done everything to make his prediction come true, grew up a rabid Brooklyn Dodgers fan.
Maybe he's taking that phrase "Wait till next year!" much too literally.
And finally, Los Angeles Times writer Bob Nightengale offered this dark thought: If replacement players are used, the fiercest competition will be for the Comeback Player of the Year award.