Oysterback, Maryland. -- Following an unfortunate incident, Gabe and Mike Boone have announced that they will not be serving Ground Hog Casserole next February 2 at the We Fix and Road Kill Cooked Here Cafe and Garage. Dr. Sam Wheedleton suggests anyone still suffering adverse effects contact his office immediately. . . .
Johnny Ray Insley, having recovered from his near-death experience after totaling the police cruiser while doing traffic duty for Tuesday Nite Bingo at St. Morphemes' over to Patamoke, will be speaking about his adventures in the afterlife at the Community Center next Thursday. Johnny Ray reports that Arianna Huffington appeared to him at the end of a long tunnel of light and told him to get hair plugs. . . .
Chickadee Dachstedder and Norris Peavine were married in a double-ring ceremony Saturday at Oysterback Hardshell Methodist Church. The bride and groom wore matching fringed white leather outfits designed by the bride's mother, Mrs. Jodi Dachstedder of Jodi's Fashion Whirl in Wallopsville. The couple are both in the entertainment business; the new Mrs. Peavine who is 1995 Delmarva Soybean Queen, is also a sales rep for radio station WDAV and Mr. Peavine owns Mello-Groov D.J. Party Services of Tubman's Corners, Inc. After a honeymoon trip to Harper's Ferry, the couple will reside in the mother-in-law apartment behind the groom's father's chicken houses on Mad Calf Lane. . . .
Ricketts and Georgelane Schtubb are suing Claymore and Velraye Gibbs because their new deck blocks the morning sun in the east corner of the Schtubbs' bedroom and are also pressing charges against anyone who disagrees with their politics. The Schtubbs moved here from Oxford. . . .
In related news, Judge Findlay Fish says the court docket is getting right backed up and he hasn't ruled anyone in contempt for at least a week now. . . .
Obald R. "Pink" Blatterwack, longtime resident of Wallopsville, passed away unexpectedly at the age of 96 at the Loblolly Senile Dementia Residential Treatment Facility, formerly The Loblolly Home before Devanau Medical Center, formerly County General Hospital, took it over and raised the insurance rates. Formerly proprietor of Pink's Bait Boutique, he was an avid spades player and bird watcher and was best known for his life-list of Elliott's Island black rails. Born in Mannheim, Germany, he was universally known throughout the West Hundred as the "foreigner foreigner." Arrangements by Dreedle Funeral Home. . . .
Speaking of celebrity dreams, and we were, Whack Wallace is marketing her new Dream Steam Facial Masque, a recipe given to her in a dream by Paul Sarbanes. He told her to make it from Chamomile and eucalyptus leaves. It's on sale down to the Curl Up and Dye Salon de Beaute. We just report it, folks. . . .
Sheriff Wesley Briscoe has apprehended the Wallopsville Laundry Lifter, who turned out to be Del. Orville Orvall, home from Annapolis to explain his vote on the car-insurance bill to angry voters. Anyone missing laundry off their clotheslines should come down to the Community Center Tuesday night and pick out what's theirs, especially those leopard-skin his and hers bikini underwears.
The Oysterback Volunteer Fire Department's annual trip to the fireman's convention in Ocean City was pronounced a success by newly elected President for Life Junior Redmond. The entire fire company were guests of Capt. and Mrs. Lennie Skinner at their rental cottage on 72nd Street. Special guests included the Ocean City Police where First Lieutenant for Life Poot Wallop fortunately has a cousin. Chief for Life Hudson Swann won the wet T-shirt contest.
Helen Chappell is the amanuensis of Oysterback.