"My husband is an unbearable male chauvinist," says Lara, 24, a striking brunette. According to Lara, Warren, whom she married six years ago when she was a junior in college, is totally self-centered: "He thinks the world revolves around his hospital residency, and he couldn't care less about my career. Well I'm sick of waiting on him. What about my dreams? My life?"
Looking back, Lara thinks she succumbed to pressure from family and friends to marry handsome Warren, the class president and premed honor student. "I was raised to be a wife," she says ruefully. "My folks had a traditional marriage, and they were always worried about money. They were both ecstatic to have a doctor in the family."
Warren, sweet and passionate, pursued Lara ardently. "Who wouldn't be flattered?" she says. But after several years of working at boring secretarial and filing jobs to support them while her husband was in medical school, Lara is fed up and fuming. "He doesn't get it," she says. "Maybe his mother pampered, petted and praised him all the time, but I'm not about to keep on doing that."
Lara recently took a job as a staff writer for a small local newspaper. She wants a marriage of equals, one where she has a say in what they do and where they go, one where the husband shares responsibilities around the house instead of assuming his wife will handle it all, and criticizing her when she doesn't.
Warren, 26, the son of an army colonel father and homemaker mother, makes no apologies for the way he was brought up. "I was taught to treat women respectfully," he says, "to pull out chairs and open doors. If Lara thinks that's being chauvinistic, well, I suppose I am."
But he's as fed up and frustrated as his wife and doesn't relish being the target of her nonstop tirades. "She accuses me of being insensitive and childish, but what about her? She's the one who burns the clothes she's ironing, or forgets about the expensive roast until smoke is pouring out of the oven," Warren says. When he points out these oversights, Lara throws a fit and accuses him of trying to control her.
"I really love my wife," he says softly, "but I don't understand what happened to the warm, supportive and giving person she used to be." Warren can't help wondering if they'll ever be able to rekindle the intimacy of their early years.
A marriage of equals
"Wrapped up in his medical studies for so many years, Warren honestly didn't notice the many significant changes in Lara's life," notes Paul Moschetta, a New York marriage therapist. "Nevertheless, when one person in a relationship feels controlled, the result is a reservoir of resentment that, if unchecked, destroys intimacy. These two are engaged in an all-too-common power struggle triggered by clashing expectations and changing needs."
Marriage must be a partnership of equals, but if one person has been raised in a home where certain patterns of power were established, it can be surprisingly difficult to break them. Warren doesn't mean to belittle Lara, and he's genuinely baffled by her condemnation of him. Lacking self-confidence and self-esteem, Lara finds it hard to explain what is wrong. However, by undertaking the following self-appraisal, these two will be better able to understand why they're reacting the way they are -- the first step in renegotiating shared roles and decision-making power.
Could a similar power struggle be underlying the problems you and your mate are having? Ask yourself:
* In your parents' marriage, how were power and control handled? Was one parent clearly in charge, or was there a balance?
* Did you grow up in a permissive or an authoritarian home?
* Is it important for you to be right, to hold center stage? In a group, are you more comfortable in a leadership role or as a follower?
* How does power work in your marriage? Is there a balance? If it is unbalanced, is that OK with both of you, or is one (or both) of you upset or resentful?
* When you were growing up, which parent made decisions about money? About friends? Child rearing? Housework and responsibilities? Was the list balanced? If not, there's a good chance that you, too, are bringing an imbalanced view of power and control issues to your current relationship.
To achieve more equitable roles, partners should make separate lists of their biggest complaints. Give the list to your partner and discuss one new approach or tactic you can each take to address that complaint.