France? The United States is spying on France?
What, we want to learn where hemlines are going next year?
The French government has asked five Americans to leave the country, saying they say were spying on France for the Central Intelligence Agency.
What, however, can we learn by spying on France?
L How about putting spies into Iraq or Iran or Libya or China?
How do I know we don't have spies in those countries already?
Because they would have been caught by now, that's how I know!
Our Central Intelligence Agency has been a shambles for years.
You know the best spy that the CIA ever employed? His name is Aldrich Ames, and for nine years he was the most senior counterintelligence officer at the CIA.
Unfortunately, he also worked for the Soviets, selling them our secrets and receiving $2.5 million in return.
Though Ames' average take-home pay was $38,800 a year, he bought a $540,000 home for cash, spent $99,000 on improvements, and $7,000 on furniture.
He also bought a $25,000 Jaguar and $19,500 Honda. He drove the Jaguar to work.
Nobody at the CIA noticed.
(I can't wear a new tie to work without somebody saying, "Hey, is that a new tie?" But Ames can drive a Jaguar into the CIA parking lot and nobody bats an eye.)
Not until 1992 -- seven years after he began passing on secrets! -- did the FBI notice a correlation between Ames' meeting with Russian diplomats and large cash deposits that Ames was making to his bank account.
Ames is now serving a life sentence in a federal prison, which probably means he will have a book on the best-seller list any day now.
So you can see why our spies have to sharpen up their skills on easy countries like France.
The trouble is, we are getting caught even in France!
Don't you think if we were going to spy on France, we could at least keep it a secret?
Yet U.S. Ambassador Pamela Harriman was twice "summoned" by the French government on this matter, which is considered a very serious step in diplomatic circles.
Harriman is the multimillionaire socialite and large contributor to the Democratic Party who was given the ambassadorship as a plum, a nice, safe country where she could hold parties and get her hair shellacked every day.
So it must have been quite a scene when she was summoned.
French Security Minister: We have found U.S. spies in our country! We demand a reply to this outrage!
Harriman: Is that a Chanel tie you're wearing? It's tres chic. And I must say the color goes very well with your eyes.
French Security Minister: Why do you have spies in France?
Harriman: Well, I'm pretty sure we must have a reason. Bill almost always does.
French Security Minister: We are a sovereign nation! What will you do to make amends for this attack on our dignity!
Harriman: How about free passes to Euro Disney?
French Security Minister: I warn you, this could lead to a permanent breach between our nations!
Harriman: You'll just love Space Mountain. Now, may I ask you a question?
French Security Minister: Oui.
Harriman: What time is lunch?
A French newspaper reports that one reason the United States put spies into France was to learn industrial secrets in France's "audiovisual" and "telecommunications" sectors.
Audiovisual? We need to steal French audiovisual secrets? Have you seen a French movie lately?
Man staring off into space: It is hot.
Woman staring off into space: It is June.
Man staring off into space: Hot. And June.
Woman staring off into space: Take me!
Man staring off into space: No. It is too hot. And June.
And telecommunications? You ever try to make a phone call in France? Don't make me laugh. The operators don't even speak English.
None of this makes sense. What could we possibly learn from the French that would make the White House authorize such an operation?
Did we want their secrets to French fries? French dressing? French kissing?
Uh-oh. Now I get it.