NOT long ago in this space, we brought you "Late Show" host David Letterman's recent comments on the trial of O.J. Simpson. In the interest of equal time, we thought it would be only fair to reprint some of "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno's commentary on "the trial of the century":
"They dismissed [a] 63-year-old female juror because she had the same arthritis doctor as O.J., and also because she was shoving and fighting with the other jurors. That's what they said today in the paper. Now think about this; this guy must be a great arthritis doctor . . . "
"I guess [defense attorney Robert] Shapiro was chosen to cross-examine Denise Brown [sister of murder victim Nicole Brown Simpson] because he is considered to be the most compassionate of all the O.J. lawyers. Lawyers and compassion . . . science is unbelievable. I didn't know that they had instruments that could measure something that small!"
"Remember the whole thing about throwing Denise and everybody out of the house? Well, they said that O.J. doesn't like people smoking in his house because it stains the furniture and makes him furious. That's kind of ironic. Who would have thought a guy who leaves bloody gloves and socks lying around would be such a stickler for neatness?"
"I used to think Lens Crafters was pretty impressive . . . They can make eyeglasses in 'about an hour.' That's nothing. Look at O.J.: He was able to make a phone call, cure arthritis, play golf, take a nap, pack for Chicago, take a shower and get to the airport, all in about an hour! That is impressive!"
"You know who's writing a book? Al Cowlings. I don't know the title; I think we can rule out 'Life in the Fast Lane.' "
"Monopoly is 60 years old this week. Of course, it's been updated since it was first introduced in 1935. For example, you still have the card that says, 'Get out of jail,' only now you have to hire Johnnie Cochran. That costs five million dollars . . . "