Let me preface this by saying that I am no looker myself and that, when viewed in a certain light and at just the right angle, have been known to resemble a younger Charles Durning.
But even a schlub like me can see that there is a preponderance in the celebrity world of great-looking women with men who are, um, not so great-looking.
The latest example of this involves New York Sen. Al D'Amato, 57, and Claudia Cohen, 44, who is now being referred to as "millionaire TV gossip reporter Claudia Cohen," much as you might refer to "hard-throwing right-hander Roger Clemens."
Anyway, the senator and his new squeeze, an entertainment reporter for "Live With Regis and Kathie Lee," were all over the TV and newspapers yesterday. This was because they held a news conference to announce they were in love.
Ordinary people do not hold news conferences to announce they're in love, but maybe they should.
Let me tell you something. If I got a phone call and the voice said: "Yeah, this is Earl from Earl's Exxon and I'm in love with this here woman Bernadette and want to tell the world about it," I would sure as heck show up at Earl's place with my notebook and pen.
Anyway, at this news conference, the senator and the millionaire TV gossip reporter cuddled and kissed in front of so many TV cameras and microphones that the next words you expected to hear were: "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States . . . "
At some point in the proceedings, though, it apparently occurred to the senator (as it will to anyone who does not have cataracts) that he was somewhat overmatched in the looks department by his new flame.
These types of revelations tend to hit a man hard, like a cinder block dropped from a helicopter.
But Mr. D'Amato appeared only slightly dazed as he told reporters: "I feel like the frog who has been kissed by the princess."
And I'll bet you at that moment, in that room, there were a lot of people (well, guys, anyway) who thought: "Yeah, what is the deal here?"
Not to put too fine a point on this, but when you look at Al D'Amato in a certain light and at just the right angle, he does look like a frog.
Whereas millionaire TV gossip reporter Claudia Cohen -- did we mention she's 13 years younger? -- looks like, well, a million bucks.
(By the way, if you're wondering how millionaire TV gossip reporter Claudia Cohen came to be known that way, she's said to have received $80 million in her divorce settlement with Revlon executive Ron Perelman.) Eighty million! Meanwhile, I get a bill the other day for $175 from my kids' orthodontist and the first thought that runs through my mind is: "I wonder if they're hiring nights down at Safeway?" The point -- if there is a point here -- is that you see so much of this these days among celebrities, va-va-voom women with homely guys. Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett, Paulina Porizkova-Ric Ocasek, Billy Joel-Christie Brinkley until their divorce, the list goes on and on.
On the other hand, you don't see great-looking guys with plain-looking women that often.
OK, we all know that there are some people who are attracted to money and power in a companion, and are willing to overlook the fact that the companion bears an eerie resemblance, when viewed in a certain light and at the right angle, to Yogi Berra.
Not too long ago, Guess? model Anna Nicole Smith, 26, married some 89-year-old oil tycoon who's worth zillions. She claimed to be passionately in love with the old coot.
I don't know. How many times can you listen to those old stories about hanging out with the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk before thinking: "Maybe the guy's a tad too old for me."
Women will tell you that, unlike men, they don't just focus on appearance and are more attracted to a man's humor and character and sensitivity and blah, blah, blah.
And maybe there's something to that. Maybe that explains Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett. With that high hair-do, bony body and milky white skin, Mr. Lovett has always reminded me of a man recovering from radiation poisoning.
The Paulina Porizkova-Ric Ocasek matchup is a puzzler, too. I used to love the Cars. But, I'm sorry. Ric Ocasek looks like he belongs on an autopsy table.
Now, he may read that and get really hacked off. And maybe he'll call here and say: "Oh, yeah? Well, I'd rather look like I'm dead than like a younger Charles Durning."
If that happens, I'll just have to deal with it.
Besides, it's not like I never heard it before.