I LIVE in Washington -- a lovely little town on the Potomac River just inside the Capital Beltway.
We are a peaceful, law-abiding community except for the rare member of Congress or Cabinet officer who occasionally loses his moral compass. Our only problem is that we are broke -- dead broke, flat busted, empty pockets and all.
The solution to this dilemma is grim -- if the president makes as much effort to save Washington as he did baseball, we will have enough money to purchase sand for the next snowstorm. If not, the capital of the greatest and most powerful nation in the world will have to declare bankruptcy and face a fate worse than Orange County, Calif.
Some of the wisest and most frugal men in Washington are trying to find a way out.
One of the first solutions someone came up with was to give Washington back to Maryland.
Maryland politely refused the offer after the way the Washington Redskins played in 1994. I think the real reason Maryland doesn't want Washington is that Baltimore hopes to get another pro football team of its own. So annexing Washington would screw up the state's chances for a franchise.
Washington was then offered to Virginia. There was some interest because the governor wanted to turn Washington into a giant parking lot to accommodate all the Northern Virginia residents who commute into the city every day.
But the rest of Virginia said that they were not concerned with solving Northern Virginia's parking problems. They maintained that most parkers were voters responsible for Ollie North losing his bid for the U.S. Senate.
After the neighboring states said "no thanks," Washington was offered to Vermont, Oklahoma, Montana and Nevada. Nevada was the only one interested because it was looking for a site to dump its nuclear waste.
When the trade-offs got nowhere, more imaginative solutions were proposed. One was to put a surcharge on Congressman Bob Dornan's mouth. Every time he became rabid, he would have to put $5 in Washington's treasury.
Another money-raiser would be a tax on any government employee being investigated by a special prosecutor.
Besides collecting money the city could make better use of its public buildings. A commission is already studying how to convert the Washington Monument into a motel with a restaurant on the top overlooking the metropolis. Some claim that the Mall is perfect for a golf course where a person could tee off from Lincoln's lap at one end and putt out at the Supreme Court on the other end.
None of the above can solve the whole problem alone, but a combination of several could be the answer. If not, the only thing left is to make Marion Barry the head of the World Bank and tell him to get the money any way he can.
If nothing works, then Washington should go off the dollar and start using Mexican pesos to run the government. That way President Clinton will have no choice but to bail us out.
Art Buchwald is a syndicated writer.