"How could he do it?" says Terry, 31, who works as a secretary in a large corporation. "How could my strait-laced, straight-arrow husband call a sex service and talk to some prostitute on the phone? What's wrong with him?"
As far as Terry is concerned, her marriage to Michael has gone steadily downhill since their honeymoon four years ago, when she first learned the seriousness of her husband's diabetes. He has to eat regularly, test his blood-sugar level two or three times a day and give himself insulin injections. "If he doesn't, he'll die. It's that simple," she explains.
But what began as a passionate romance has disintegrated into a relationship marked by icy silences. They've been fighting constantly about issues large and small: the fact that Michael refuses to take care of himself and relies, instead, upon Terry's reminders to eat properly and take his medication; how Terry never keeps their home neat enough for meticulous Michael; how Terry spends too much money on things Michael says she doesn't need.
Bored to numbness by her drone-like job, Terry comes home from work each day wound tight as a corkscrew. "And he starts criticizing me for not putting the butter back in the refrigerator in the exact place it was before!" she says. How can he berate her for something as petty as that when he refuses to take care of himself? "Do you know how scary it is to watch someone you love have an attack?" she asks. Terry is so angry that there are nights she can't even stand to be in the same room with Michael, let alone make love.
Still, the discovery that her husband had resorted to calling prostitutes is more than Terry can bear. "I can't compete with Dial Desiree or Entre Nous," she says. "Isn't that perverted?"
On one level, Michael, 34, who works as a manager in an office-supply company, is relieved that his shame is at last out in the open. "I know I have a problem," he says. "At least now we're talking," he continues. "Terry is wonderful, and I don't want to lose her. I know she's been upset with me for a long time, but she won't tell my why. Instead of talking, she pushes me away."
As far as Michael is concerned, their problem is strictly sexual and largely his wife's fault: "It's very simple: Terry doesn't want to make love." In the evenings, he says, she's a whirling dervish. "Either she's ranting and raving or moping in her room. The bottom line is, she doesn't want me near her."
Working through problems
"It's understandable that Terry would be shocked at such a disclosure -- and not surprising that she immediately began to doubt herself, her sexuality and her marriage," notes Paul Moschetta, a New York therapist. Any wife in a similar circumstance would wonder: What does he get from these calls that he doesn't get from me? Is he sick?
While such behavior need not signal the end of a marriage, it does indicate a problem that must be resolved. What's behind such secret calls? The proliferation of sex hot lines clearly indicates that many couples are not able to talk honestly about sexual concerns and desires or, as in this case, even communicate honestly about domestic issues. Once Terry understood the connection between her anger and her fear of losing Michael, she no longer had to act it out sexually. Once Michael took responsibility for his illness, these two discovered a renewed closeness.
However, most men who resort to phone sex are afraid to express their deepest sexual fantasies to their wives out of fear that they will be ridiculed or rejected. Simply bringing these concerns into the open can often enrich your sex life in general. Perhaps there are things you can do differently in bed that will please him as well as yourself. On the other hand, if he confides some sexual fears or desires with which you are uncomfortable, suggest consulting a sex therapist for guidance. In either case, it can help to seek professional counseling to shore up your own self-esteem and self-confidence, so you don't wallow in what's-wrong-with-me feelings.
+ Los Angeles Times Syndicate