DUNEDIN, Fla. -- That's a major-league dateline, pal, and don't you forget it.
Live from Grant Field, it's the Toronto Scab Jays!
At Camden Yards, hitters aim for the warehouse. At Grant Field -- and this is perfect -- they aim for a little-league diamond beyond the right-field wall.
Little league, big league, it's all the same these days.
If none of the Scab Jays hits their soon-to-be-famous target, Toronto management can simply replace them with the Dunedin American Little League All-Stars.
You laugh?
At least they'd draw.
Welcome to Scab Training, a farce produced by Donald Fehr, directed by Bud Selig and starring Jeff Stone.
Grant Field, in case you've missed it, is the newest park in the majors, or will be, if baseball opens the season with replacement players.
Grant Field, capacity 6,218.
Grant Field, home of the Single-A Dunedin Blue Jays.
Grant Field, nearly 2,000 miles from SkyDome.
Ontario forbids the use of replacement workers, so this is where the Jays would play. Never mind that you could fit the entire population of Dunedin into SkyDome, and still have 14,000 seats left over.
Why didn't NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue think of this place? The Sun King won't be able to live with himself, knowing that baseball beat him into virgin territory.
To think, Baltimore can't get a football team, and Dunedin might get a baseball team. Nearby Tampa-St. Petersburg can't get a baseball team, but Dunedin might wind up with the most recent world champions.
Dunedin, founded by Scots in 1870.
Dunedin, pop. 36,000.
Of course, it would be just like the dastardly Blue Jays to claim they're now a small-market team, and demand relief from baseball's new revenue-sharing plan.
Put it this way: They won't be drawing any luxury-box revenue at Grant Field. The city renovated the stadium in 1990, but forgot the juicy stuff.
Then again, Dunedin thought it was expanding the stadium only for spring training and the Florida State League.
Guess who's coming to dinner?
The Boston Red Sox.
Can't wait for the first schedule conflict between the Scab Jays and Dunedin Jays. They can stage a day-night doubleheader, with no drop-off in the caliber of play.
The truth is, the Scab Jays might be the worst replacement team of all. General manager Gord Ash tried to compete for players, but for the longest time, he couldn't tell them where they'd be living.
Slight problem.
The Jays finally settled on Grant Field, which cost only $2.4 million to expand and refurbish five years ago. Selig and Co. probably sees it as the wave of the future. SkyDome cost more than $500 million to construct.
Of course, SkyDome has certain amenities -- a retractable roof and the world's largest video display board, not to mention the Hard Rock Cafe and a 348-room hotel.
So?
At SkyDome, the most distant seat is somewhere in Winnipeg.
At Grant Field, it's only 23 rows from home plate.
Still, not everyone is excited about the possibility of major-league baseball coming to Dunedin.
The weekly Dunedin Times, back from a four-year hiatus -- we've heard of slow news days, but four years worth? -- included this blurb in its comeback issue:
"If all goes well . . . the thought of replacement players may never occur. Therefore after spring training the Jays will head north, leaving only our D-Jays to play at the stadium."
Our D-Jays.
Scabs, go home.
The Jays aren't doing much business for their exhibition games, even with prices reduced from $9 and $7 to $5 and $4. Ticket salesman Ted Tilley said yesterday that sales were proceeding at only 40 percent of last year's pace.
Meanwhile, at Iris' restaurant, diagonally across from the ballpark, owner Tamara Helms didn't look like a woman anticipating the good fortune of a major-league stadium opening across the street.
Normally, Iris' would be busy this time of year, even though pitchers and catchers have yet to report. The Canadian tourists arrive before spring training even begins, Helms said, and many stay through March.
This year, Helms has yet to see any of her regular customers. She estimates she'll lose a minimum of $10,000 without a normal spring training. And she doesn't expect replacement games at Grant Field to make up the difference. "Who's going to take a month off and spend the money to come down?" Helms asked. "Why should they spend thousands of dollars to come to Florida? These aren't major-league players. No one knows who they are."
The most expensive items on Iris' menu -- fried catfish, Monterrey chicken, grilled chicken breasts -- cost $5.95. There are Blue Jays pennants hanging above the counter, and a jersey and catcher's mask, too.
Helms actually has prepared two waitress schedules for March, one to account for smaller replacement crowds, the other in case the major-leaguers return.
It's crazy -- as crazy as the notion of Grant Field as a major-league ballpark and Dunedin as a major-league town.
Grant Field, capacity 6,218.
Dunedin, pop. 36,000.