Q: Our home was recently burglarized, and it has had a traumatic effect on our 6-year-old son. He continually asks if the robber is going to return. We try to stress that he is safe. Does anyone have any pointers on how to respond to this situation?
Laurie Ruleman,
Ackworth, Ga.
A: Parents' suggestions include everything from installing a new security system to praying with the child to getting him a dog.
"Let the boy take part in picking out a new security system," says Veronica Matthews of Baltimore. "Let him practice with it and make sure he knows how it works."
While these strategies may help, psychologists who specialize in children and trauma say it's most essential for parents to simply have patience and understand their child's need to talk about what happened.
"This is a classic example of trauma," says Cynthia Monahon, author of "Children and Trauma: A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Heal" (Lexington Books, $19.95).
"The child believes totally, no matter what you tell him, that it will happen again."
Regardless of whether it seems to help or not, keep reassuring the child that he is safe, that nothing like this has ever happened before and it probably will never happen again.
"These kinds of reactions can be severe for up to six weeks, and then they should begin to diminish," says Dr. Monahon, a clinical child psychologist in private practice in Northampton, Mass.
Studies at Florida State University in Tallahassee show that victims of trauma tend to concentrate on the same questions: What happened? Why did it happen? Why did I act this way? Why have I felt this way since the event, and what if it happens again?
"Victims constantly go over and over these questions until they find the answers," says Charles Figley, director of Florida State's Psychosocial Stress Research Program.
"The parents probably have not recovered from the trauma themselves, and to see the child so anxious raises their own anxiety," Dr. Figley says. "The reaction of many parents is to try and shut the child down because they don't want to hear it.
"The worst thing you can do is ignore the child, get mad or try to distract him."
Also, the child may feel personally violated, says Kathryn Evans, a mother from San Jose, Calif.
"My daughter was in her early teens when this happened to us," Ms. Evans says. "Realize that a lot of what a child bases his security on is his home, and that has all changed now."
Parents may notice behavior that seems unusually babyish, says Dr. Monahon, the trauma expert.
"The child may ask to sleep in the parents' bed, for example," she says. "Don't push. Keep telling your child that he will feel better and will be ready to take things on again pretty soon."
With one instance of trauma such as this, most children recover quite well with support from their parents.
"If the symptoms get worse or begin to interfere with daily life, that would be the time to seek some outside help," Dr. Monahon says.
While a reporter at the Miami Herald, Beverly Mills developed this column after the birth of her son, now 5. Ms. Mills and her husband currently live in Raleigh, N.C., and also have a 3-year-old daughter.
CAN YOU HELP?
Here's a new question from a parent who needs your help. If you have tips, or if you have questions of your own, call our toll-free hot line any time at (800) 827-1092. Or write to Child Life, 2212 The Circle, Raleigh, N.C. 27608.
* TV and violence: How can parents counteract the violent messages children get as a result of television and video games? "I don't even let my boys watch 'Power Rangers,' but they know everything about the show anyway," says P.F. of Dallas, Texas. L.S. of Canton, Ohio, would like to know how to get her child to stop watching so much TV in general.