"Now that Tony has everything he ever wanted -- a well-paying job at the bank, a whole new set of fancy friends -- he doesn't need or love me anymore," says Carla, a slightly overweight woman of 33 who works in the records department of large hospital.
"I know he's furious at me for not going to his company party, but I just couldn't. I feel so out of place with those people."
Carla can't help wishing they were poor again.
"Back then, it was Tony and me against the world," she says wistfully. "Why couldn't things stay the way they used to be?"
When they married five years ago, Tony was struggling through business school, but he always appreciated the efforts Carla made on his behalf -- whether it was figuring out new ways to fix hamburger or painting their tiny apartment in cheerful colors.
But now, Carla believes, Tony is embarrassed to have her as his wife. He's forever urging her to "better herself," complaining she has no drive.
"Go to college, lose weight, make new friends, find new interests -- his list is endless," Carla says. In fact, scarcely a day goes by that Tony doesn't make some comment implying that Carla is just not good enough. "I don't want to quit my hospital job -- all my friends are there," says Carla. "Why can't Tony accept me for who I am?"
Tony, 34, doesn't understand why his wife is resisting his perfectly reasonable suggestions.
"She has a fine mind, which she refuses to use, and she'd look lovely if she lost some weight and stopped dressing like a bag lady," he says.
Tony thinks Carla is the one who's changed: "She used to be so caring and giving, and she was always ready to listen to my problems. Now she blames me for her anxiety attacks and heart palpitations and uses it as an excuse not to make love."
Tony is proud of his success: "My family was very poor and I've worked hard. We deserve this, but Carla won't allow herself to enjoy it."
When she made her wedding vows, he thinks she paid attention only to the "for worse" -- and ignored the "for better." Is change possible?
Too often, people who love each other forget the simple kindness and respect that are essential to keeping that love alive.
Though they treat colleagues well, they take their mates for granted. It's easy to fall into that trap; most of us do at one time or another. But if you or your spouse is a compulsive faultfinder, you first have to understand why you criticize before you can change.
This isn't easy. Take a cold, hard look at your behavior and your thinking, and ask yourself if you are making negative comments because something is really wrong or is it simply a habit.
Many overly critical people tend to generalize.
For example, if a spouse fails to pick up his dirty clothes, the wife will announce: He's a slob. If he's late for a dinner date, it's evidence of constant tardiness.
Others become overly critical out of fear: Perhaps something in a wife's actions reminds her spouse too much of a parent's hurtful or neglectful behavior. Super-sensitized to any similar treatment, lashes out when new issues push old "hot buttons."
Then, too, many highly critical people are especially hard on themselves.
Underneath his proud exterior, Tony still feels like the poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Once he started feeling better about himself, his put-downs of Carla lessened. In time, he realized that he was projecting many of his own insecurities onto his wife by insisting that she improve herself.
In counseling they both gained more confidence and were able to talk to each other about how they could improve their marriage instead of retreating into faultfinding, as Tony did, or into resentful subservience, as Carla did.