THE ONLY topic of conversation that anyone will pay attention to is the O.J. Simpson trial. Therefore, it is important that when you meet people you are prepared to say something intelligent to prove that you understand what's going on.
Here are a few one-liners you can drop at a dinner or party:
I haven't watched the trial, but I read the book.
I was once on a sequestered jury for a month, and I wound up taking Prozac.
It doesn't matter if O.J. did it or not -- he should be punished for screwing up our day.
The only thing I know about the trial is that you can't have enough DNA to make the prosecution happy.
My sister doesn't like F. Lee Bailey picking on Robert Shapiro. And I like the way the National Enquirer, the Star and Geraldo cover the trial.
my mother doesn't like Robert Shapiro picking on F. Lee Bailey, and I don't like my husband picking on Marcia Clark.
I believe that a man is innocent until proven guilty except in a case like this when you're certain who did it.
Marisa keeps yelling at the television set while the trial is on so I never get to hear what's happening.
I haven't made up my mind about O.J., but I can tell you this right now -- Judge Ito needs a new barber.
I think that the National Enquirer has a better bridge column than the Star.
I don't have to make up my own mind on the case because every TV station has someone to tell me what I should think.
If O.J. is found not guilty, Hertz will have to give him a new car.
This is what my sister in Forest Hills thinks: Someone planted the bloody glove to make it look like Detective Fuhrman committed the crime. If they find who that person is, everyone will lose interest in the trial and go back to soap operas.
I won't reach any conclusions about the case until Geraldo Rivera makes his summation to the jury.
I hate it when the judge calls the lawyers up to the bench and he speaks so low that we can't hear anything that he's saying.
I once saw O.J. Simpson play football, and he wasn't all that great.
I don't know why we're picking on Simpson. There is enough guilt to go around for all of us.
I wish they would speed up the proceedings on the day I have to go to the hairdresser.
You see the trial more clearly when you watch it on MTV.
Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.