Mike Royko is on vacation. In his absence, some of his favorite columns are being reprinted. This column was originally published on Dec. 31, 1969.
As an annual service to partygoers, here are some New Year's Eve social tips from that well known social arbiter, Slats Grobnik.
They are taken from his best-selling book, "My 30 New Year's Eves Without an Arrest."
What to Wear: The current "in" garments are Edwardian suits for men and maxicoats and dresses for women, or the reverse if you really want to whoop it up. White turtlenecks and bowling-league shirts are no longer tres chic. Regardless of what you wear, the most important consideration is that it can be thrown in the furnace and burned the next day.
What to Drink: Select one favorite beverage and stay with it all evening, and all the next day if you wish. I recommend the always-festive Boilermaker. (Recipe: Pour one shot of whiskey down your throat. Follow with one glass of beer.) After midnight, the ingredients can be mixed in a glass, vase or pot.
At midnight, the traditional drink is champagne. But remember, never drink it straight from the bottle unless the hostess does so first.
I don't recommend the popular practice of drinking from whatever glass happens to be near your arm. But those who enjoy doing so should remember to check the glass for cigarette butts.
Dining Hints: Many hostesses plan a post-midnight buffet. If you are a guest at such a party, keep a few hints in mind: Before putting the food on your lap, remember to sit down. And be sure that the food is on a plate.
Cold chicken, pizza, sandwiches and pickles can be eaten with the fingers. But do not use your fingers while eating Jello-mold salad or ice cream.
Miscellaneous Hints: If you feel a bit groggy, and think you might be lapsing into unconsciousness, try to find a bedroom. But do not select a bed in which the host's children are sleeping.
If you choose a bed that is covered with hats and coats, remember to remove your shoes. If you feel a need to rest on the bathroom floor, or in the tub itself, be courteous and do not lock the door behind you.
Sometime during the evening, you may need a breath of fresh air. Don't lean out a window, especially if it is higher than the basement. A short walk is the best idea. But remember to wear a coat and shoes, and write down the host's address and pin it to your lapel.
Try not to lie down in a snowbank, a doorway or on the sidewalk, as this can bring on frostbite and gangrene, which just makes the day-after blues more uncomfortable.
The big moment at any New Year's Eve party is midnight (although some purists argue that the big moment is the first fight or the first crying jag). Try to pace yourself so you are still conscious at midnight, or arrange to have somebody gently slap you awake.
When to Leave: The host and hostess usually give a gentle hint. Watch them, and when the host's head falls back and his eyes roll upward, and his breathing comes in gasps, and the hostess is quietly sobbing as she studies her furniture, rug and coffee table, it is a good time to slip away.
It is always a nice gesture for a guest to send a little note the following week, offering to pay for any windows smashed in the )) festivities.
A Final Tip for the Hostess: The next day, look under the cushions of the sofa for lost jewelry, under the bed for scarves, hats and gloves and, of course, under the basement steps and behind the furnace for lingering guests.