Q: I didn't grow up with brothers, and now I have two boys of my own, ages 3 and 6. How can I tell when my children are just being normal, active, boisterous boys and when they're being obnoxious? How can I tell what's behavior that needs to be curbed?
L.T., Phoenix, Ariz.
A: As long as your boys are still laughing, it's probably OK.
That's the short answer, and in many cases, it works pretty well.
"I have two boys and also grew up without brothers," says Anita Benavidez of Glendale, Ariz. "The difference between normal and over-active behavior is when they start hurting each other. Boys are going to get rowdy and dirty, and you can't change it."
One father from Wichita, Kan., looks at it another way.
"Any behavior that is destructive needs to be addressed," he says.
Simone Michaels of Cleveland, Ohio, draws the line at bothering other people.
"My 5-year-old son is mischievous and filled with energy," Ms. Michaels says. "I tell him he must keep his hands to himself, and that way he is not infringing on anybody else's rights."
Rough-housing, wildness and fantasy play with toy weapons are nothing to worry about, says Dr. Evelyn Bassoff, author of "Between Mothers and Sons: The Making of Vital and Loving Men" (Dutton, $20.95).
"On the whole, we do see more aggressive energy in boys, probably because of hormones and socialization," says Dr. Bassoff, a psychologist in private practice in Boulder, Colo.
"Mothers sometimes tend to think of aggressive energy as bad, but it's not. It's normal. It's a sign of vitality"
The challenge is to help boys channel their aggression without squashing it, says Muriel Warren, co-author of "Sons: A Mother's Manual" (Avon, $10).
"We don't want boys to give up who they are, but it is a matter of personal opinion," says Ms. Warren, a therapist in private practice in New York. "If the mother really wants a docile girl, she must be careful not to harness too much."
Start by deciding what your limits are, says Jeanne Elium of Walnut Creek, Calif., co-author of "Raising A Son: Parents and the Making of a Healthy Man" (Beyond Words Publishing, $11.95). Make sure your son understands those limits and then enforce them.
"The key is kindness but firmness," Ms. Elium says.
Here are other tips from parents and experts on channeling aggression:
* Give active boys lots of sports activities. "Large-muscle activity directs them away from people," says a parent from Minneapolis, Minn.
* Curtail television and video games. Violent cartoons just fuel aggression, and even "Sesame Street" can cause active boys to bounce off the walls when the show's over, Ms. Elium says.
* Don't set your sons up to fail, says Nancy Lee, a mother from Walnut Creek, Calif. "Since mine is active and loud, when we go out in public, I make sure it's an environment that tolerates that."
* Teach your sons to express their feelings. "Boys can learn to talk about being angry rather than always having to act it out," Dr. Bassoff says.
* Make sure your child gets a balanced view of the world. A new children's book, "The Outspoken Princess and the Gentle Knight" (Bantam, $22.95), for example, recasts fairy tales to combat stereotypes.
* Realize that at ages 5 and 6, boys begin to separate from mothers and identify more with their father. Dad "Mothers may grieve the loss of their baby boy, but it's a separation, not a severance," Ms. Elium says. "Mothers must celebrate their sons turning toward a strong man."
* Encourage the boy's father, or a relative or friend, to provide a role model of a man who's strong yet nurturing. "The luckiest boys are those who have contact with nurturing fathers," Dr. Bassoff says.
While a reporter at the Miami Herald, Beverly Mills developed this column after the birth of her son, now 5. Ms. Mills and her husband currently live in Raleigh, N.C., and also have a 3-year-old daughter.