To: All elves, support personnel
From: Santa Claus
Re: Annual update on operations
Once again we delivered nearly 2 billion toys to good little boys and girls around the world; many thanks to all who worked so hard.
Last night's activities did not go quite as smoothly as planned, however.
A number of PETA activists delayed our sleigh's planned 6 p.m. departure with a noisy protest near the stables.
Their central complaint: Asking eight tiny reindeer to circumnavigate the globe while lugging some 200,000 Gymnast Barbies, 500,000 Power Rangers, countless sleds, baseball gloves, Nintendo games and so on constitutes cruelty toward animals, a systemic pattern of abuse and blah, blah, blah.
I pointed out (for the umpteenth time) that these are not ordinary reindeer, that they are endowed with magical powers including extraordinary strength, amazing agility on rooftops, the ability to fly, etc.
The PETA people were not appeased; instead they locked arms around Rudolph and refused to disperse. Eventually the police were called. The matter is now in the hands of our legal department.
After we finally left the North Pole and touched down in Paris, there was another dust-up, this time with the anti-fur crowd.
Even though less than 10 per cent of my outfit is trimmed with fur, the protesters demanded that I switch to a nylon ski jacket with polyester fiberfill insulation, elastic cuffs and a zipper front.
Again, things got ugly. Someone hurled a canister of blue dye that splashed all over my boots.
Finally, on our approach into Miami, we nearly hit a Cessna trailing a lighted banner over the beachfront hotels that said: "Happy Hour at Pirates Cove! All drinks $1, free Buffalo wings! Sat nite wet T-shirt contest!"
To say it was a trying evening is an understatement.
In other matters, Lorenzo, Artemus and several other elves have asked whether this shop is in strict compliance with the Federal Wage and Hour Laws.
The short answer: No, it is not. As you know, I could sub-contract much of this work to Taiwan, Hong Kong, Guatemala, etc., and count on far higher profit margins.
There are factory workers in Honduras, for example, who would gladly assemble 100 Talking Barneys for the going rate of 27 cents a day.
If forced to pay minimum wage and night differential for all shifts, as well as enact a comprehensive health plan, 401 (k) retirement package, Employee Assistance Program and the like, our operations could well end up in Tegucigalpa in a year or two.
This would result in massive layoffs and a total re-structuring of our work force. I don't think anyone here wants to see that.
Therefore, I trust there will be no more whining about pay scales.
In a related matter, Tiny, senior elf in maintenance, has requested that I set aside a designated area for smokers in the main quadrangle.
As you know, smoking has been prohibited here at Santa Claus Enterprises since 1991.
Tiny feels, however, that having to duck outside for a smoke poses an undue hardship on employees, as the temperature often drops to 60 degrees below zero and is accompanied by fierce, howling winds that can freeze a man's face in 30 seconds.
Tiny's request seems entirely reasonable. I myself used to enjoy a pipe every now and again, although since losing 110 pounds through a combination of dieting, racquetball and Nautilus work, I have no use for the filthy habit.
Nevertheless, those who wish to smoke can now do so in the recreation room in Building 3-A (which also houses our rathskeller and satellite dish).
Finally, I regret to announce that Ernest (cafeteria staff) and Darnell (quality control) have been terminated, effective immediately.
As many of you are aware, this is a result of their recent appearance on "Montel Williams" in a segment entitled: "Workers Who Hate Their Bosses."
A number of charges, all of them patently false, were leveled against me.
I never promised to install vending machines and a juice bar in the gymnasium. And while I urged both elves to seek counseling because of their high absentee rate (22 days for Ernest, 17 for Darnell) I did not threaten to go to the media with allegations of substance abuse.
Forgive me if I seem bitter.
Apparently this is the plight of management in the 90s. I do and do and do for you people, and this is the thanks I get.
My best to you and your families.
Warmest regards,
Santa
Kevin Cowherd is a columnist for the Baltimore Sun.