An old flame is divorcing the man she has been married to for 14 years. I know the unhappy fellow, and he is heartbroken.
This is a hard time of year for people going through divorce. The other night, visiting with friends, the man became very quiet when the lights on the Christmas tree, which the children had been decorating all evening, were finally turned on.
No one had to ask him what he was feeling: He was remembering other times, other trees, when he had a family and a home of his own.
My old flame, a lovely woman, also seems different. She is impatient to start a new life, to get on with whatever the future holds.
In conversation she seems poised and confident, and she was always a great beauty. Most people don't even notice the subtle signs of anxiety in her eyes and voice. But I do.
Our little circle of friends, which includes writers and journalists, tries hard not to take sides. But it is an admittedly awkward situation. Everyone is more or less in the dark over what caused the break, and the principals refuse to discuss it.
Last week, for example, the unhappy husband was near despair after a frustrating phone call in which he and his wife discussed settlement terms. Although they both recognized the inevitability of divorce, it seemed that neither could quite manage to let go.
How does one talk to the woman one has loved so long and patiently, he wondered, when words themselves become ashes in one's mouth?
Under such circumstances it's nearly impossible to offer advice. With proud and accomplished people, one always fears whatever one says may be misinterpreted as an unforgivable intrusion.
Later, though, I tried to imagine what each of them might say to the other if only their better selves could speak. Writers sometimes think of their craft as a sort of therapy, and journalists like myself often joke that we don't really know what we think until we write it down.
So I jotted some thoughts on the back of an envelope. But when the paper turned up in my pocket a few days later I was shocked by how transparently my own hopes and fears were revealed:
"Needless to say I was disappointed by the way things turned out during our telephone conversation today. I had hoped that we were finally at a point where we could discuss our affairs in a productive, mutually respectful way. But shouting, name-calling and slamming down the phone -- all things you have done -- aren't going to get us very far, I'm afraid.
"We need to settle on a fair and equitable disposition of our affairs. But we cannot do that in an atmosphere of mutual hostility and distrust.
"I have told you that I bear you no ill will, that I am willing to work with you to resolve whatever issues we need to work on in order to get divorced, and that I wish you nothing but happiness after our marriage is ended. I will always love you.
"Please try to understand that it is best for us both if we can work out an agreement ourselves rather than put matters in the hands of the lawyers, who will only deplete our resources. That is why I want to continue working with the counselor who is helping us through this very difficult time.
"We need help in establishing ground rules for talking to each other in a way that doesn't leave us both feeling angry, frustrated and hurt. Recognizing we need help is no confession of weakness; rather it is an affirmation of faith in our ability to get through this with a measure of compassion, grace and sanity.
"I am not trying to put obstacles in our path, nor am I interested in playing legalistic mind games or contriving to cheat you out of anything that you are entitled to after 14 years of marriage. I understand that you are both hopeful and fearful of the new life you will encounter after divorce. Divorce is a terrible experience under any circumstances. It can be terrifying to face a future full of uncertainty and doubt.
"I also know those feelings only begin to fade once one faces up to them squarely, deals with them and resolves to get on with one's life.
"That is probably the most either of us can do right now, and we may as well accept that it is up to us make the best of things as they are.
"We cannot change what has happened. But it is in our power to get through this without destroying each other or the possibility of happiness in the future. Please work with me to accomplish at least that much, for your own sake as well as for mine."
Glenn McNatt writes editorials for The Baltimore Sun.