Here's working mother Vickie Berghel's Christmas checklist: Bake 1,000 cookies, buy 100 presents, attend three school recitals, hold an open house and take her three children to "The Nutcracker."
But those activities can't match her holiday memories. Besides cooking, shopping and entertaining, her own mother, a homemaker, hand-sewed doll clothes, organized Santa visits and taught her five children to make Christmas crafts.
"I would love to be able to take the kids to more events," says Mrs. Berghel, 42, a senior partner at Weinberg and Green, a Baltimore law firm. "There are things we don't even dream of doing because we don't have time. We do as much as we can, but there's some regret."
For many working mothers, the holidays bring into sharp focus the career-family tensions that simmer throughout the year. In their mothers' day, December allowed women to show off their culinary talents and decorating skills. Vestiges of that era remain -- only now some women say they are expected to be Martha Stewart and Marcia Clark.
"Working mothers clearly have additional stress around this time of year," says Leon Rosenberg, a psychologist at Johns Hopkins Children's Center. "They're still burdened with a certain amount of guilt. The whole society says it's great you have a career, but at the same time we still wonder, 'Why aren't you home baking pies?' "
Mrs. Berghel's mother, Jean Ratti, who didn't work until her daughter was 10, believes she had it easier.
"Her responsibilities today are tremendous," says Mrs. Ratti, 70, a retired social worker who lives in Rockville. "There's always an undercurrent of 'I hope she's OK.' She's learned to do it all. She's remarkable. But I wish she would slow down."
But instead of slowing down, the world -- particularly the one inhabited by working mothers -- is in overdrive during the holidays.
To accomplish their goals, these women often sleep less, work more and knit their lives together with elaborate lists and precisely timed schedules. They cope by applying work strategies to their home life: prioritizing chores, squeezing the most out of their day and delegating tasks to husbands and children. Still, many fight the nagging sense that they're not doing enough -- or not doing it the way their mothers would.
"You always feel inadequate," says Kaiva Lacis-Huff, a mother of three and account executive with Maryland Media Associates, a marketing, communications and advertising firm in Baltimore.
"I don't remember Christmas being so frazzled growing up. I wonder if that's what my kids are feeling. They see us rushing around, feeling behind, always late to take them where they need to go. And our tempers are a bit higher than normal around this time of year," says Ms. Lacis-Huff, 34, who lives in Reisterstown.
It makes her wonder what kind of holiday message she's sending to her children.
What, pizza again?
"You do worry if you're providing a nice atmosphere and allowing those childhood memories to be formed. You tend to remember that you've had pizza for the third night in a row and even the kids are sick of it. You know that's really bad. But during holiday time, there is no time to cook. McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Chinese take-out, the sub shops -- we've been to all of them," she says.
Her mother, Viola Lacis, who raised three children, says the pressure is simply too intense.
"It's unbelievable," says Mrs. Lacis, 62, who now lives in California. "They're constantly running. I don't think it's good. You need some calm in your life. . . . I'm an old-fashioned person. I think it's better to do without the tons of clothes and toys and while the children are young for a mother to stay home and take care of the household."
Holidays can compound the tensions that families face -- particularly if women try to live up to ideals of a previous generation.
"Some women judge their ability to be mothers by how well they're able to maintain traditions," says Dr. Anne Stoline, a staff psychiatrist at Sheppard and Enoch Pratt Hospital. "It's like the quality of your family life is somehow based on these few weeks of the year. . . . The holidays add a whole new set of expectations about what mothers are supposed to be doing -- decorating, finding perfect gifts for children, having parties. If they're not doing that, it can leave women feeling inadequate."
For Gail Kiddy, a mother of four, this is the first year she's resorted to buying gift certificates.
'The agony of shopping'
"I like the idea because it saves me the agony of shopping," says Mrs. Kiddy, 33, an advertising executive with Baltimore's Child. "But I sort of feel guilty because it's not as personal as buying something."
While she used to wake at 6:30 a.m., she now starts her day at 5 a.m. and ends it around midnight. Yet even on this treadmill, she's having trouble keeping up.
She recently was late in finishing alterations on her 7-year-old son Tyler's elf costume for his holiday play.
"I did feel bad," says Mrs. Kiddy, who lives in Towson. "I knew it was due, but I ran out of time. I used to be hard on myself. Now I feel like there are times when you just can't get everything done."
The anxiety may have been greatest for Jeanne Chambers, a nurse at Hampton Elementary School who returned to working full time this fall. While she started holiday planning in September, she's still wondering whether she'll get it all done.
Some things, such as making wreaths for the front door, have been abandoned. The gingerbread house looks iffy. And her Christmas cards -- which she used to address around Thanksgiving -- are bought but not written.
"Another friend who works full time sent me a Christmas card from her family with a new card inside that had her address and a stamp already on it. It said, 'Just sign and return.' It was a thoughtful gesture from someone who understood what I was going through," says Mrs. Chambers, 41, whose four children range in age from 5 to 8.
"I really enjoy the holidays, but I feel like I'm cutting things short. It's tough trying to juggle everything without becoming so stressed that you don't appreciate things," she says.
What working mothers appreciate most, they say, is husbands and children who help.
In Mrs. Berghel's case, her husband, Rob, was key to the success of their recent open house for 100. He made two pates and steamed shrimp. He's also the designated "tree man" in the family, responsible for the lights and maintenance of the Christmas tree. Most important of all may be his calming influence during this frenzied time.
"I tend to worry about the details," says Mrs. Berghel, who lives in North Baltimore. "But every time something comes up, he says somehow it will get done."
Accomplishing everything sometimes requires assistance -- and acceptance of the way helpers may complete a job. To get enough gingerbread, sugar and chocolate chip cookies made -- as well as brownies, candied walnuts and curried almonds -- Mrs. Berghel has a small cookie-baking party for children.
But while many little hands make light work, they also produce some odd-looking cookies, including those covered with sugar, cinnamon drops and sprinkles.
"In the first couple of years, I'd get frustrated with the process and try to teach them to do things my way. I realized there's no point. We get better results if I give them independent jobs," she says.
With Christmas just days away, most working mothers are paring down their activities and putting some events on next year's wish list. Ms. Lacis-Huff and her husband, Brian, curtailed partygoing this year to spend evenings with their children, who are 8, 10 and 11.
"You have to learn to be a person who says no," she says. "We needed the time to get ready for Christmas with our own family."
And if Mrs. Chambers doesn't get her Christmas cards out, she'll still consider the holiday a success because she found time to bake cookies, view Christmas lights and see train gardens with her children.
"It could sound like it's not fun," Mrs. Berghel says. "But even though there are times of great busyness, I don't think of it as stressful. . . . The thing I look for is peace."
When does she have time to do that?
"Late at night," she replies. "Very late at night."