With millions of new computers being unwrapped as the holiday season draws to a close, millions of new computer owners will be asking themselves the same question: Now that I've spent a couple of grand on a hunk of high-tech hardware that can recalculate the national budget in seven milliseconds, how can I have some fun with it?
Indeed, for all our talk about using PCs to manage information, increase productivity and make our children technologically literate, the average guy buys a computer with a CD-ROM drive, high-resolution color video, sound board and blast-'em-out-of-the-chair speaker system complete with below-desk subwoofer because it's the greatest toy since the Slinky.
With this in mind, here are some titles that will help you pleasurably waste your time instead of using your PC for whatever noble purpose you declared when you bought it.
Right on point, Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time from 7th Level claims no redeeming social value. It's a collection of bizarre games, screen savers and other insanity from the crazed Englishmen who bring you Monty Python's Flying Circus.
You either like Monty Python or you don't, and if you do, you'll undoubtedly enjoy highlights from the show that include the Dead Parrot, Cheese Shop and Argument Clinic episodes, as well as games that involve flying pigs, flatulent chickens and -- well, you either like sheep icons or you don't. The warning label on the Windows CD-ROM cautions that the game contains "material that is in rather questionable taste or may not be suitable for computer users under the age of 17 or chartered public accountants of any age." Enough said.
I don't know if your cable system has a 24-hour Star Trek channel, but I think ours does, because no matter when I turn the TV on, there's a Trek episode running. My kids have memorized the scripts to at least half of them.
If you're one of those people who knows the Star Trek schedule a week in advance, you'll love Star Trek: The Next Generation Interactive Technical Manual from Simon and Schuster. This Windows CD isn't a game, but an interactive, three-dimensional, virtual-reality tour through the Starship Enterprise (or good old NCC-1701-D, as it's known in the trade). You can roam the entire ship, from the bridge to the Captain's yacht, and click the mouse button on virtually any object to call up reams of technical detail that will delight the faithful.
The program uses Apple's new QuickTime VR technology, which still is not quite ready for prime time. You'll also need a computer with a 486DX/33 processor or better to run it at reasonable speed. But Trekkies will be happy to put up with a few Cardassian bugs to get this detailed close-up of the holy shrine.
For Trekkies who want to take the show to work with them, Berkeley Systems offers Star Trek: The Next Generation Screen Saver and Stardate, which integrates Star Trek backgrounds with a program called Expresso, a nice little calendar, scheduling and address book. Wherever you go, the Enterprise will be only a mouse click away.
Returning to the present, it's a well-known fact of aviation life that there are far more people flying personal computers than flying airplanes. In fact, flight simulators are still the number one category of entertainment software.
If you want to get into the action in a big way, check out Falcon Gold from Spectrum Holobyte. This DOS CD package includes the entire Falcon collection and gives you the choice of flying the classic F-16, an F-18 Hornet or MiG-29 in seven different war zones ranging from Kuwait to Bosnia.
Packed with manuals, maps and technical detail, this package is for people who have The Right Stuff, or are willing to log lots of hours behind the joystick to get it. The CD even includes a video called The Art of the Kill, full of live action demos of the tactics you'll be using on-screen. The best part is that you can fly by yourself, play over a modem with a friend, or tie up your entire office network in multiplayer duels. Is this a great country, or what?
If you prefer building things to blowing them up, Sim City 2000, the latest version of this classic simulation, will keep you happily entertained for hours as the founder, designer and mayor of your very own metropolis.
Now available for Windows, which should eliminate memory management and compatibility problems with the DOS version, Sim City 2000 adds three-dimensional graphics to the original, along with the underground complexity of a water system and subways.
But the basic challenge and fascination of this program -- designing a city where people want to live and work -- remains as strong as ever. Try it and you'll never have to worry about going to sleep early again.
If you're new to the PC market, it's hard to beat some of the CD-ROM bundles that are finding their way to dealers shelves. Usually priced at $25 to $40, they contain anywhere from six to 10 CD-ROMs, including games that may be a year or two old but are still great entertainment.
For example, the second release of the 5 ft. 10 Pak from Sirius Publishing includes Interplay's insane Battle Chess, Sierra's Space Quest IV, the first volume of Icom's delightful Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective, Paramount's Rock, Rap 'n Roll, a nifty music production program for kids, and Sirius' own P.C. Karaoke (I've wasted more than a few hours with this one).
I really shouldn't mention it, since this column deals with wasting time, but the 5 ft. 10 Pak includes some useful stuff, such as Dr. Schueler's Home Medical Adviser from Pixel Perfect, Paramount's Movie Select for Windows, a searchable database of more than 44,000 videos; Arts & Letters Warbirds, which sounds like a flight simulator but is actually a capable little drawing program with World War II clip art, and a CD with 2,000 True Type and Adobe Type 1 fonts. This is about 1,980 more fonts than most people need, but they're nice to have.
At these prices, don't expect slick manuals or even a box (the package is a 5-foot-long plastic accordion pouch -- hence the name). But the CDs are, for the most part, good values.
Michael J. Himowitz is a staff writer for The Baltimore Sun.