NEWT GINGRICH is not only going to be the speaker of the house, he could also become a sizzling fiction writer. This means that the country will be getting a twofer.
In his latest book he describes a beautiful spy in a steamy scene with the White House chief of staff.
Excerpt: "Suddenly the pouting sex kitten became Diana the huntress -- she rolled onto him and somehow was sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. 'Tell me or I'll do terrible things,' she hissed."
It so happens that I have been writing a fiction book on a speaker of the house who gets seduced by his own manipulation and becomes a sex slave to his ambition.
I haven't finished the entire first draft yet, but I have completed several of the hot scenes that will help sell the book.
"The Speaker walked into the bathroom of his private office and looked in the mirror. He liked what he saw. 'I have a contract with America,' he said. 'And I will seduce her with whatever else it takes.'
"He heard a breathless voice whisper in his ear, 'Don't stop, please don't stop.'
"The Speaker combed his curly silver hair. He liked what he saw. 'I'm in favor of family values, but at the same time I would love to ravage the welfare system.'
"The female voice whispered, 'Is it as good for you as it is for me?'
"Newt took off his shirt and studied the hair on his chest. In January they would all know what kind of man he really was. He examined the rippling muscles in his arms, dreaming of how deep they would slash the budget. He liked what he saw.
" 'If I don't get prayer back in the public schools, I will walk out of the House forever.'
"The voice cried, 'Don't leave me like this. I want your baby.'
"Newt grinned. 'You can have it because I'm going to pass a constitutional amendment forbidding all abortion.'
"The Speaker asked the mirror, 'Do you think that I will be criticized for writing soft porn?'
"He answered his own question: 'It doesn't matter what they think. As Speaker I am top dog.'
"Newt took a freshly pressed suit from his closet and put it on. The female voice cried, 'Will you come back?'
"Soon. I have to make love to the NRA people so that we can get shameless pleasure from gutting the crime bill.'
" 'I never felt this way about anyone before,' she said breathlessly. 'Did the Earth move for you?'
" 'It did. Which reminds me I have to do something about the Environmental Protection Agency.' "
Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.