RAISING A HAPPY, UNSPOILED CHILD. By Burton L. White. Simon & Schuster. 241 pages. $21.
WITH THIS BOOK, author Dr. Burton White expands on his concern for the very young child's social development -- a point he initially raised nearly 20 years ago in his popular book, "The First Three Years of Life" (Prentice Hall Press, 1975).
With a long stream of anecdotes interspersed with descriptions of the stages of child development, Dr. White attempts to tackle the issue of handling an undisciplined child. In this long-winded tome, the author makes some helpful suggestions, but some are far off the mark in the opinion of many child care experts.
Wise parents, who see a child's manipulative behavior for what it is, will put a stop to it immediately with strong, no-nonsense restrictions for the child. But most of the book is devoted to episodes of children dictating to unaware parents. The reader is left feeling that anyone -- other than the parents of an unruly child -- can easily recognize an eight-month-old child's coercive behavior.
This account makes Dr. White's work seem simple -- to all but those in the child care profession. He is not describing gross, abnormal behavior, but common, everyday occurrences. Yet he seems to suggest that anyone would be shocked by the stupidity of parents who would allow such obvious, controlling behavior. Anyone, that is, but a pre-school teacher who hears these tales every day.
Dr. White is on target when he notes that there is a serious problem when the child is in charge. The child care community knows that there is a startling lack of good parenting skills in our society. If you need proof, just stand in an aisle at your local store. Most of the children will be heard before Parents must learn to say "no."
they are seen because they will be screaming or otherwise out of control. Dr. White is explicit: unrestricted children are, among other things, very unhappy and make everyone around them unhappy, too. That is a point most parents miss in the day-to-day struggle of not wanting to stand firm against the inevitable temper tantrum when they say "no."
Dr. White's goal is the socially well-developed 6-year-old, defined as one who can get attention appropriately, express both negative and positive feelings, take pride in achievement, use adults as resources and happily engage in make-believe. To ensure this, the parent should provide an increasingly stimulating environment, all the while realizing that the child, especially a toddler, will repeatedly test every limit.
In many ways, one gets the feeling that Dr. White is not in touch with the current realities of working parents. Most child care experts advocate, as strongly as Dr. White does, that for the first year of life a child should ideally be cared for by just his parents. After the first year, Dr. White concedes that a child as young as 14 months shows an interest in and a need for socializing. Yet he is opposed to day care for any child under 3.
His only argument against out-of-the-home child care? He has rarely seen situations where the children are being taught to interact correctly and constructively. Indeed, if one is to believe his account, Dr. White once observed a large child bully a smaller one in a day care center. Therefore, day care is bad. It is a shame Dr. White did not attempt to educate parents on how to find quality child care, however rare it may be, rather than simply adding to the already-overwhelming guilt of working parents.
He also raises questions about his expertise by recommending "101 Dalmatians" as an appropriate movie for a very young child. There is enough violence in some of the scenes to cause many a nightmare.
He explains, in detail, how to reward desirable behavior -- but has surprisingly little to say about the powerful use of praise. The term "spoiled" is used in a Victorian context, specifically that the child will be irrevocably harmed if the discipline process does not begin around eight months of age. Indeed, he states that parents of 3-year-olds have waited "too late" to consult his book. Several controversial child care issues -- spanking, tickling, pacifiers, potty training -- are raised and then the reader is told there will be "more about that later." Unfortunately, detailed explanations do not come.
Dr. White has attempted to again examine the issue of how Americans parent their young. There is no question that he is correct in warning American parents of the importance of employing the word "no" to teach their children that parents are in charge. If they do not, they must be prepared to pay the consequences of an ill-mannered, unhappy child. Whether working parents have the time to wade through 241 pages for this instruction is in serious question. A detailed discussion with a good pre-school teacher will accomplish the same thing in much less time.
Adele Paff Fryer, Ph.D., is founder and director of Home Play School, a Baltimore-area network of pre-school teachers who provide family day care.