Q: My 9-year-old is getting a lot of grief from his friends about believing in Santa Claus. He's been asking us a lot of questions. I don't want to spoil Christmas, but I also worry about lying to him. How should we handle it?
M.J., Rockport, N.Y.
A: As a child approaches 9, it's time to shift the focus of Christmas from flying reindeer to the true spirit of the season.
"When my older son was in kindergarten, his teacher took that question and said to her students, Santa is the spirit of Christmas, and he lives in your heart," says Mary Colb of Baltimore. "My children accepted that, and they still do."
By second or third grade, a child's reality-testing ability has developed, and it becomes harder to accept the idea of a fat man shooting up and down every chimney of the world in one night.
"By age 8, they start having serious doubts, and by 9, most children have given it up," says Charles Schaefer, Ph.D., co-author of "How to Talk to Your Kids About Really Important Things" (Jossey-Bass, $12.50)
"Knowing that, be really honest and start talking about the spirit of Christmas," says Dr. Schaefer, a psychology professor at Fairleigh Dickinson University in Hackensack, N.J.
Reassure the child that the holiday will be just as wonderful, with presents, decorations and the same family traditions. Many parents say this was their child's main concern.
The idea of lying is a major concern for lots of parents. Bob Hazen, a father of two from St. Paul, Minn., explained the legend of the original St. Nicholas and stressed the religious meaning of Christmas.
"I've never understood why Christian parents are so willing to damage their credibility about the central figure of Christmas by telling kids things that aren't true about something so closely associated with Christ," says Mr. Hazen.
The religious questions are personal, but as for the psychological implications of lying, Dr. Schaefer says research shows children are not disillusioned or distrustful of their parents because of the Santa experience.
The potential for damage comes when parents continue to insist that the details are true at the stage when the child is ready to move on.
"This puts children in the position of having to protect their parents," Dr. Schaefer says.
The tricky part is knowing when a child is ready for the truth.
Children as young as 5 will interrogate their parents over minute details. But at that age, Dr. Schaefer says, the child still needs to believe. The 5-year-old's questions require a simple explanation -- for instance, that Santa has magical powers.
At ages 6 and 7, Dr. Schaefer says, most questioning kids simply want their parents to reassure them that it's OK to believe.
"But if a child is really pressing you for the facts, even at age 7, then honesty is the best policy," he says. "You may mourn their loss of innocence, but you don't want them to feel you've deceived them."
If a child has not asked by age 9, Dr. Schaefer says parents should bring it up and gently steer the child toward making the shift.
Dorothy Perkins of Columbus, Ga., missed those cues with her son and now wishes she hadn't.
"My son adored the season of Christmas because of Santa," Ms. Perkins says. "Even when he was 10, he believed. In retrospect, I realize that we did set him up for the ridicule of his peers. And he has since said we may as well have sent him to school in a dress."
While a reporter at the Miami Herald, Beverly Mills developed this column after the birth of her son, now 5. Ms. Mills and her husband currently live in Raleigh, N.C., and also have a 3-year-old daughter.
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