For their first Christmas together, John Leone wanted a gift that his fiancee, Lee Seraydarian, would use and treasure.
So he bought her . . . kitchen utensils.
Measuring cups, wooden spoons, rubber spatulas and other basics -- all individually wrapped and under the tree -- would show he understood her needs, particularly since she was moving into a new apartment. Never the cheapskate, he also threw in two other tokens of his affection: a flannel nightgown and a tape deck.
"She was," he recalls, "less than delighted."
What tipped him off?
"She got quieter and quieter as she opened each one. I realized I'd missed the mark," says Mr. Leone, 36, a technical writer who lives in Sparks.
Ten years later, his wife wonders, and perhaps always will, how a man who has professed his love could choose to show it with a wire whisk. "I was expecting personal, romantic things," says Ms. Seraydarian, 35, the director of admissions for Goucher College. "I felt disappointed. Then I felt horrible for being disappointed, like I was being selfish and greedy."
Whoever said the course of true love isn't smooth probably got a Chia Pet from a soul mate one holiday.
As most people know, gift gaffes are more common than gold, frankincense and myrrh around this time of year. But while a dud present from Aunt Betty is no big deal, receiving one from a spouse or admirer can be worse than coal in your stocking.
The problem, say personal shoppers and psychologists alike, is there's more to a gift than what's inside the box. Gifts, particularly when exchanged by couples, are laden with meaning. And like any form of communication, they are open to misinterpretation.
Women -- at least the dozen or so interviewed -- say they often see gifts as barometers of how a relationship is going. It's a he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not proposition, with ribbons and bows replacing daisy petals.
Men, on the other hand, sometimes bring a more practical eye to the endeavor. A gift of jumper cables, particularly if a woman is driving a 10-year-old heap, can say "I love you" as well as a heart-shaped pendant.
"Women see gifts as one way of showing affection and attention," says psychologist Stephen Kelly, who is the clinical director of Columbia Psychological Services. "The average man is less invested in these little things. . . . Expectations play a part in this. Women are more likely to imagine, 'If he really loves me, then he would know what I want.' The more logical, honest and mature thing to do is to tell him what you like."
Gifts that go awry also can show that couples aren't spending enough time together or that one person wants to change the other, he says.
Or, if you're Cameron Barry, a gift can show the man you're dating has no taste.
"The worst thing I've gotten was a brown clay caterpillar planter. Aside from the fact that it was hideously ugly -- the head. . . . had buck teeth and bug-out glass eyes -- I was insulted to think someone could look at that and think of me. You want someone to think you're glamorous and sexy, to imagine you in silk pajamas or a cashmere sweater. To this guy, I was a clay planter with buck teeth," says Ms. Barry, 37, the owner of CBMC, a marketing and public relations firm in Baltimore.
The college beau who gave her this present is long gone, replaced by a more creative and tasteful man -- her architect husband David Richardson. Since marrying years ago, he's given her some of her most cherished Christmas gifts -- including an antique oak dresser and a Shaker-style dining-room table.
"I know there are happy couples out there who buy terrible presents for each other year after year. But it's hard for me to imagine that someone who loves me and knows me well would make such mistakes. Present compatibility is important to me," she says.
Incompatibility has its price. Four billion dollars of the $40 billion Americans spend annually on holiday gifts is lost in gifts that recipients dislike, says Joel Waldfogel, an assistant professor of economics at Yale University, who released a study last year on the waste in unwanted presents.
"I'm almost surprised we do as well as we do," Dr. Waldfogel says. One of his solutions, though unsentimental, is to give cash or to at least ask for suggestions.
Parents, siblings, significant others and close friends scored high in giving gifts that delighted, while more distant relatives -- including grandparents, aunts and uncles -- racked up the greatest number of clunkers.
Ann Squire believes that many women overemphasize gifts, while men underemphasize them.
No. 1 on her bad-gift list is a set of jumper cables that an ex-beau gave her years ago. Her gift to him was a monogrammed gold I.D. bracelet, light-years away in sentiment and thought from the auto accessory.
"He was just being practical," says Mrs. Squire, 28, a pulmonary technologist at Johns Hopkins Hospital. "I acted like I loved it, of course, even though I didn't."
"I never, ever act disappointed. I always know there was something that prompted that person to give me that gift. It was chosen with the best of intentions, so I try to see value in it that way," she says.
While she won't let a bum gift ruin her holiday, she says a girlfriend has. "One friend of mine broke up with a guy because he got her a kitchen appliance for Christmas. She was hoping for an engagement ring. She said she didn't want to spend her life coaching him, telling him what she wanted all the time. She felt he should be paying more attention," she says.
Mrs. Squire and her husband Robert have avoided the problem of buying for each other by investing in joint gifts for their home in Pasadena. This year, they bought a laptop computer. In the past, they've bought a TV, VCR and stereo.
If men sometimes slip up when it comes to gifts, comic Bob Somerby says women should blame stores, not their mates. "Women's clothing is so confusing," says Mr. Somerby, 46. "I don't understand how they buy it for themselves. There are so many different departments. You hit the third floor and it's better sportswear. Better than what? The sportswear on the second floor?"
Although he doesn't have a girlfriend to buy for this season, he recalls one recent date who was a breeze to satisfy.
"Her idea of a surprise was to go to the store, point to the item she wanted and then turn her back while I bought it. That alone would be reason enough to marry someone," says Mr. Somerby, who lives in Bolton Hill and does commentary for WBAL-AM radio.
Lora Wong has a fail-safe way of getting what she wants for Christmas.
"My husband always says 'Come on, Dear. We're going to the mall to pick out your present.' I used to think it was unromantic. Now I don't because I get exactly what I want. And it's never something I'd buy for myself," says Mrs. Wong, 29, who lives in Towson.
She, on the other hand, will still surprise him. But she considers her gifts -- usually sweaters, pants and turtlenecks -- to be boring.
Her most daring gift, a pair of opera glasses she bought for him years ago, has never been used.
"Every time I try to be creative, it turns out stupid," says Mrs. Wong, who is the area director for the American Heart Association.
Rest assured, it's not just men who fail to please. The first year Mr. Leone and Ms. Seraydarian exchanged presents, she bought him a tan poplin jacket that he said looked like something his grandfather would wear.
But the good news is that even if couples have a rocky start, it's possible to improve their gift-giving technique.
For Mr. Leone, the turning point came several years ago when he found a Macy's flier on his pillow. An attached note read: Dear John, Lee's been a very good girl this year. I think she'd like a few of the things circled in this catalog. Love, Santa.
That year, Ms. Seraydarian got several gifts she'd circled and several surprises. Since then, they've vowed to be more specific with hints and ideas.
There's one gift, though, Ms. Seraydarian wants that she's never going to receive from her husband.
"I will never get her a waffle iron," says Mr. Leone. "It has bad connotations. I now stay out of the kitchen when it comes to Christmas gifts."
Holiday give-and-take
To improve your chances of giving the right gift, Joyce Baker, the manager of personal shopping at Owings Mills mall, offers these tips:
* Do your homework. When shopping, know the person's size, color preferences, favorite stores and hobbies. Some women make up small cards with that information and give them to men.
* Don't expect anyone to be a mind reader. If there are things you like, point them out to your spouse or significant other.
* Pay attention. This is the time of year when people are apt to drop hints about what they want. Listen and act on them.
* Presentation helps. Wrapping a piece of jewelry in a small pouch and tucking it into a small jewelry box heightens the
anticipation and also shows more thought.
* Mix it up. If you're being daring with a surprise gift, play it safe by also getting a present that you know your mate will need or want.
* Don't let a disappointing gift get you down. Remember, this person cared enough to invest time and money in a present. A less-than-ideal gift doesn't mean the giver doesn't care.
* Keep receipts. It's much easier to exchange or return something when you have the sales slip.
TIPS FOR THE CLUELESS
Here are some gifts that land in the holiday danger zone. To play it safe, buy them only if a spouse or significant other has requested them:
FOR WOMEN:
* Blenders
* Vacuum cleaners
* Exercise videos
* Lingerie that makes a woman look like a French maid
* Flannel clothing
* Auto accessories
* Anything that can't be returned
FOR MEN:
* Furry slippers with the heads of small animals on them
* Soap on a rope
* Boxer shorts with silly graphics
* Books on how to be a better husband
* Smelly after-shave
* White handkerchiefs
* Anything that can't be returned