Calendars are a point of escape. When you're scheduling the duties that weigh heavily upon you, it is then you need a moment of distraction: a picture or a thought that reminds you of how lovely things can be, or how funny, or how your life might have been different if you were a penguin.
But unless you're looking at a day-by-day calendar, you need more than one moment of distraction. The beauty or the humor has to be fresh for a week or, more likely, a whole month. Or else the calendar sticks to the wall like bad wallpaper, tormenting its owner until time has stolen enough moments to make turning the page worthwhile.
You're likely to be remembered 12 times over when you give a calendar for a holiday present -- so you'd better pick the right one. Here's a roundup of some of this year's fresh -- and foolish -- calendars.
Back to nature: Few things are more calming on an office wall than trees and waterfalls. The National Audubon Society is the king of these calendars -- as well as the queen, the knight, the pawn, etc.
If you like some guilt with your escapism, there's the Audubon Save the Planet Calendar (Macmillan; $10.95), with photographs of endangered species (wolves) and endangered environments (rain forests), as well as monthly "eco-tips" that will help you write your representative and save the Earth. Also from Audubon and MacMillan: the simple and beautiful Audubon Wildflower Calendar ($9.95); the chirpy Audubon Wild Bird Calendar ($10.95) and Audubon Wild Bird Desk Diary ($16.95); and the gorgeous and diverse Audubon Nature Calendar ($9.95) and Audubon Engagement Calendar ($10.95).
If you just can't get enough of birds, there's Roger Tory Peterson's Engagement Calendar (MacMillan, $12.95), filled to the beak with photos and paintings of our feathered friends. For action-packed wildlife shots, Natural History: The Natural Moment (MacMillan, $10.95) holds many a moment of humor and grace. And if beauty isn't enough -- if you have to have wisdom, too -- there's gorgeous photography complemented by Paramahansa Yogananda's pithy philosophies in the Inner Reflections Engagement Calendar (Self-Realization Fellowship, $9.95). You just have to decide how often you can absorb such advice as this: "Learn to build inner mansions of wisdom in the unfading garden of peace that blooms with the million-hued blossoms of beautiful soul qualities."
Greenpeace must have its due, too: There's the Greenpeace: Stepping Lightly on the Earth calendar (Workman Publishing, $8.95), printed on oxygen-bleached, recycled paper. You get big wildlife pictures and ecological messages, not to mention that really long name, and royalties go to the group. For week-by-week fans, there's the Greenpeace Diary (Workman, $11.95).
Perhaps the most beautiful nature calendar that came across our desks was Abstractions (MacMillan, $9.95), which takes a striking photographic look at the geometry of phenomena from ice crystals to butterfly wings to sand dunes. The most educational and adventurous was certainly 125 Years of Expedition and Discovery With the American Museum of Natural History (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95), which includes humans in the big picture. Royalties benefit the museum.
Artistic visions: Those pesky Impressionists are out in full force // again. It's a good thing they're so pleasant. The art in the Impressionist Reflections Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95) ranges from Cassatt to Seurat, with short comments on each artist. Also from Abrams: a Renoir calendar ($10.95) and a Monet Masterworks Calendar ($10.95), which includes intriguing little black-and-white photographs of the landscapes that inspired that artist.
A few Impressionists make an impression in Metropolitan Women (Little, Brown and Co., $19.95), a week-by-week appointments calendar. Moving on to other genteel visions, we have the lush, romantic paintings of the Alma-Tadema Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95), whose classical images evoke Victorian ideals; and the Edith Wharton Wall Calendar (MacMillan, $12.95), with stately art by John Collier, excerpts from Wharton's writings and dates relevant to her life. It's ideal for someone who loved "The Age of Innocence" and wants to explore more.
If you want a calendar that isn't so sleepy, try the jazzy rhythms and Caribbean watercolors of the Romare Bearden 1995 Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95). For more severe images in a handsomely designed calendar -- an homage to the artist in paintings, photographs and words -- there's The World of Frida Kahlo (Chronicle Books, $12.95). If you feel a need to look across a terrace to a blue sea, there are the colorful artworks of the Thomas McKnight 1995 Calendar (Little, Brown & Co., $10.95).
On a more whimsical note, there's Friends & Relatives: The 1995 Fred Babb Calendar (Workman Publishing, $9.95), in which the modern folk artist paints offbeat portraits bordered by words that tell droll little stories. For more serious fun, check out the Marvel .. 1995 Super Hero Team Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95), which even includes a cool centerfold -- with the whole year on it -- that you unfortunately can't remove unless you intend to skip both June and July.
For the cold, ethereal beauty of classic black-and-white nature photography, there's the Ansel Adams Calendar (Little, Brown & Co., $14.95). For the hot, sensual beauty of light and shadow on muscles and naked skin, there's the stunning, stylized sexuality of the Herb Ritts wall calendar (Little, Brown & Co., $14.95). If you want (mostly clothed) celebs mixed with your coy nudes, the Herb Ritts desk calendar (Little, Brown, $16.95) has 28 photographs. You get Julia Roberts in men's undies and Daniel Day-Lewis in chiseled cheekbones.
Home and garden: If the flowery nature calendars weren't enough for you, there are plenty of domesticated blooms to choose from. A Year in Flowers (Chronicle Books, $8.95), with richly textured photographs by Debra Heimerdinger of flowers arranged against unusual backgrounds, is a "calendar easel": About 6 inches by 8 inches, it sits on your desk. Glorious Flowers: The Madderlake Calendar (Workman Publishing, $9.95)
is filled with overblown, out-of-focus photographs and tips on arranging -- a calendar only a florist could love. For the greenhouse groupie, there's the rather dull Exotic Flowering Trees: New York Botanical Garden 1995 Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95). Better is Ken Druse's The Natural Garden (Workman Publishing, $8.95), with fresh outdoor settings and gardening tips.
Mary Emmerling's American Country Calendar (Workman Publishing, $8.95) features interior and exterior country design, along with cheerful little tips on housekeeping and hospitality. Sometimes lovely, it suffers from too many "stylish" out-of-focus photographs. Inspired by Algonquin Books' "Out on the Porch" is another Out on the Porch calendar from Workman ($8.95). It's a simple concept -- photographs of porches -- but it's so sweet and inviting, it's hard to resist.
365 Ways -- Your Daily Guide to Productive Retirement $l (American Association for International Aging and Resources for Living, $10.95) is stuffed with useful information, addresses and suggestions for activities. This calendar isn't just productive -- it's manic!
If you don't want to stick close to home when you're calendar-gazing, try Cape Light (Little, Brown & Co., $12.95), in which beaches and bays get photographer Joel Meyerowitz's quiet, golden treatment. Much busier is the 365 Days in France wall calendar (Workman Publishing, $10.95). Nobody needs that many tiny pictures of France. Especially if they actually want to know what day it is.
These aren't strictly for women, but let's get real. Marketers aren't aiming these calendars at your average macho man. (See the next section for those.) First, we have angels. Surprise! They're everywhere this year. A classy take on the theme is the calendar easel (about 6 inches by 8 inches) called Angels (Chronicle Books, $8.95), with sepia-tone images of angels as they appear in pictures and carved in stone. Less elegant is a wall calendar called Angels (Ballantine, $10) -- but if you like angels, you like angels.
Romantic without being tacky, Loving (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95) encompasses widely diverse artworks that touch upon the subject. This might be a good gift for a significant other, if your imagination fails you. For cheerful and colorful clutter that spills off the collages for each month into the borders around the calendar grid itself, pick up Cynthia Hart's Victoriana calendar // (Workman Publishing, $9.95). It has genuine charm, even if you're a bit tired of the Victoriana craze, and it comes in its own presentation-ready envelope.
Not charming enough? Mary Engelbreit's Desk Diary (Workman Publishing, $10.95) is stuffed with the artist's too-cute-for-words drawings and sayings.
In case you missed the point, the following calendars are definitely aimed at women: First, The Medieval Woman: An Illuminated Calendar (Workman Publishing, $9.95) is an educational and intriguing look at the rigors of medieval womanhood, prettily packaged. (It doesn't exactly make you want to travel back in time.)
A Woman's Book of Days (Crown, $20), is more modern, but be warned: It's not really a practical calendar. It's a little book that gives you dates, not days of the week. But its photographs and facts are fun, and it's a nice place to include important personal dates alongside other women's more widely known accomplishments.
The sporting life: The NFL Football Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95) shows a lot of guys banging heads and catching balls. The calendar grid looks like a football field (clever), but the calendar lacks almost any other interest -- no stats, no player birthdays, no big game dates.
Maybe the NFL made it boring so you'd watch TV or go to games instead.
The USGA Centennial Golf Calendar (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95) is for the guy who spends his time dreaming of putting greens (that's right -- there are no women pictured in this calendar, just male golfers). There are tidbits about the various courses, but not much else. If all you need is the green grass, this is for you.
Then there's that paean to athletics, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Desk Calendar (Sports Illustrated, $14.95). No matter what one says about this calendar, it will still sell a zillion copies.
So one won't bother.
Animal whimsy: Winning the award for dumbest calendar is The Dog Portraits (Workman Publishing, $9.95), in which dogs' heads are portrayed on the bodies of various people in full portrait mode. Slightly more amusing, but still pretty bad, is William Wegman: Man's Best Friend (Harry N. Abrams, $10.95), in which dogs are humiliated in various poses and articles of clothing.
If you like lots of pictures of little furry things in a wall calendar, there's The 365 Puppies a Year Calendar and ditto for 365 Kittens (Workman Publishing, $10.95 each). Bo-ring. But this is a puppy calendar with nerve -- it dares to quote Nietzsche! ("Sleeping is no mean art. For its sake one must stay awake all day.")
If you like your animals inanimate, there's that old standby, The Teddy Bear Calendar (Workman Publishing, $7.95). It features the winners of the 1994 Teddy Bear Calendar Contest.
The bears are posed in costume. Most of them seem to be from New Jersey.