"I hate the person I've become," says Kathleen, 28, who recently returned to her job as office manager at a travel agency now that her two boys are in grade school. "Paul and I have been married for nine years, and every day I wake up and say, 'Today will be different. Today, Paul and I won't fight. We won't say horrible things to each other.' But before I know it, the fighting starts again."
At times, Kathleen admits, the level of tension in their home is unbearable, and they are both shocked at how vicious they can be to each other. "I can't remember exactly when things turned sour," she says, "but before we were married, Paul was caring and romantic. Now he takes me for granted."
Everything is a trigger for an argument: How should they discipline the kids when they leave Legos on the floor of Paul's basement office? And why are they playing down there in the first place? Who is going to do the laundry? Which bills should be paid first? Where should the family go on vacation? And, most recently, why can't Kathleen get dinner ready on time?
Each argument is uglier than the next. "Paul is forever telling me how his mother managed to raise seven kids and I can't raise two," Kathleen says. "Or he storms out of the room shouting that he wants a divorce." Kathleen knows their loud fights are bad for her children and for her, and she's not all that certain that counseling can save this marriage.
That's the only thing these two can agree on. Paul, 29, is coming to therapy only as a last resort. He's tired of hearing what a miserable louse he is.
"Kathleen is the selfish one," Paul asserts. "She thinks only she has a right to an opinion."
According to Paul, talking to Kathleen is like talking to a volcano. "She gets totally defensive about anything I say, refuses to hear my side, blows up and accuses me of taking advantage of her," he explains.
"What happened last week is exactly what happens every time I make a comment about dinner," Paul recalls defensively. "I didn't say I wanted a five-course gourmet meal every night, just dinner. And though I haven't read every book on child care like she has, I have a right to my opinion, don't I?"
Paul is appalled at the way his wife speaks to him -- but sheepishly admits that when it comes to their rip-roaring fights, he gives as good as he gets.
"But why is she so surprised that I don't want to make love?" he asks. "I can't even stand to be in the same room with her!"
Watch what you say
"Before these two can begin to resolve the many problems in their marriage, they must learn to speak civilly to each other," says Paul Moschetta, a marriage counselor in New York City and Huntington, N.Y. Paul and Kathleen are unable to understand where their rage comes from. What's more, their bitter fights obscure the real issues separating them. Not surprisingly, their bedroom has become a battlefield and their sexual closeness has been sacrificed to the power struggle.
Every couple fights, but if your battles are as heated as Paul and Kathleen's, it's time to remember some important rules about fighting fair. Counselors note that these phrases, or ones similar to them, often serve to inflame, rather than resolve, an argument. Try to avoid lashing out with:
* "This is like the time last year when you . . ." Fighting fair means you don't get hysterical -- or historical. Reeling off your partner's past transgressions only makes the present problem worse. It proves that you never forget or forgive.
* "I want a divorce." This is one of the most hurtful things partners can say. Threatening to abandon the marriage tells your partner that you don't think she or the relationship is important. Why should he even try to resolve an argument?
* ". . . and you're a lousy lover, too." Demeaning remarks that are totally off the point linger long after an argument winds down.
* "My mother (or my sister or anyone else) always said you'll never amount to anything." Did he marry you or did his mother? Third-party criticism is destructive and inflammatory. So are comparisons to the way your mother, or anyone else, handled issues. Stick to what's happening between the two of you now.