Tell me about it. Your mouth is dry, your heart is thumping and your hands are trembling like the last few leaves on a maple tree in November. It's that time again. T time. The big T word. Yes. It's time to roast the annual Thanksgiving turkey.
Chill. It's a simple process, really. And there are experts standing by at hot-line services run by turkey producers and the U.S. Department of Agriculture.
There are really only three stages in the roasting of a turkey: Preparing the bird, cooking/timing the roasting period, and storing the leftovers. Most of the time, the turkey itself is doing all the work.
If you don't have a meat thermometer, fast-read or otherwise, mark your place here, stop reading, and go out and get one. They're not expensive, especially when weighed against your peace of mind. You'll still have to calculate about how long the bird is going to cook, but only a meat thermometer can tell you if the interior temperature has reached the right point.
As for the rest of the process, here are some common questions directed to the home economists who staff holiday hot lines.
* Should I buy a frozen turkey or a fresh one?
Ask yourself these questions: Do I have room to store a frozen bird for a week or so? If I buy a frozen bird, do I have time to thaw it? (It will keep no more than a day or so after being thawed, the less time the better.) Do I have time to go out a day or so before Thanksgiving to buy a fresh bird? That should provide the answer.
* How do you thaw a frozen turkey?
There are only two safe ways to defrost a turkey. 1. In the refrigerator, in its original wrappings, sitting on a tray. Allow five hours per pound to make sure it's completely thawed. 2. In cold water. Put the bird, in its wrappings, breast side down in cold water that covers it. Change the water every half-hour to keep it cold. Allow a half-hour for each pound of turkey. If you forget to thaw the bird until just before time to cook it, order a pizza. (Or call the USDA hot line; they may be able to help you save the bird.)
* What is that yucky-looking stuff in the bag inside the turkey? What do I do with it?
The contents of the bag are called giblets, and they're usually the heart, liver and neck of the bird. The first thing to do with them is remember to take them out before you start preparing the turkey for roasting. This is the most common mistake made by novice turkey roasters. The second thing is: a. throw them away, or b. cook them in boiling water, chop heart and liver, pull meat off neck, and add to stuffing mixture.
* Do I have to give the bird a bath?
Wash the turkey thoroughly inside and out in cold water and pat it dry with paper towels. (Throw the towels away immediately; don't leave them sitting on the counter.)
* Do I have to do anything else before I put it in the oven?
If the turkey is not self-basting, rub it with a little butter or oil and add salt, pepper and, if you wish, a sprinkling of herbs to taste.
* What about stuffing it?
Most home economists these days recommend cooking stuffing separately; so do turkey producers Butterball and Shady Brook Farms. The concern is that the stuffing inside the bird simply doesn't reach a safe temperature in the roasting process. Yes, people have been stuffing turkeys forever, and if you're a purist, you can certainly do so. But use an instant-read thermometer to test the temperature of the stuffing. It should be between 160 and 165 degrees. You can stuff the neck cavity.
* OK, so how long do I cook it, and where should I set the oven?
If you don't know how much the bird weighs, check the wrappings for the label -- you did save the wrappings, right? -- to get the weight of the turkey. Allow 20 minutes per pound if not stuffed; 30 minutes per pound if stuffed. This will tell you approximately how long it will take to cook the turkey. You still need to use a meat thermometer to check the temperature. Test deep in the thigh (but not touching bone); it should be 180 to 185 degrees. Test deep in the thickest part of the breast; it should be 170 to 175 degrees.
If you bought a turkey with one of those little pop-up devices, you still need to calculate the length of cooking time, so you will know how to time the meal. It's still a good idea to check the temperature before you take the bird out of the oven.
Heat the oven to 325 degrees. Cook the turkey breast side up.
If the bird seems to be getting too done on top, cover loosely with aluminum foil.
* My Aunt Tillie always cooked her turkey overnight at 200 degrees. Can I do that?
No, you can't. A turkey that takes several hours to reach an internal temperature of 140 degrees is a turkey courting salmonella. Aunt Tillie is lucky she didn't poison anyone.
* I'm roasting two turkeys this year. Do I cook them twice as long?
It could take slightly longer to cook two turkeys. Calculate the cooking times for each. If they're the same size, begin checking temperatures at the end of the calculated roasting period. Depending on the size of the birds, it could take 15 minutes to an hour more. If one turkey is smaller, set the timer for that period and check the temperature. If the smaller turkey is done, take it out and cover it with foil. Continue cooking the other turkey the calculated time. Check temperature to make sure it's at desired points.
* It's time to sit down and the turkey's not done. What do I do?
If your microwave is big enough, you can pop the turkey into a microwave-safe dish and cook it on HIGH, rotating dish every 15 minutes, until done. Or you can cut the turkey into pieces and finish it on the gas grill or in the microwave.
* I've never carved a turkey before, how do you go about it?
Carving is somewhat easier if you let the turkey stand a half-hour after taking it out of the oven. (It's not a good idea to let it stand longer than that, however.) Cut off the drumsticks and place them aside. Slice the breast meat vertically until you reach the breastbone. Slice thighs horizontally and vertically until you reach bone. Trim the rest as you can reach it. Carving is a skill, like parallel parking or programming a VCR. It takes practice.
* Is it OK to stash the turkey carcass in the fridge until I feel like dealing with it?
Sadly, no. Turkey should not sit out more than two hours. Remove leftover meat from carcass as soon as possible after dining and freeze or refrigerate immediately. Place leftover meat in a number of small bags or containers so it cools quickly. (It will also thaw faster, if you're freezing it.)
* I forgot to cook the turkey. Can I zap it with a blowtorch?
Ha, ha, you're Dave Barry, aren't you? Dave, send out for Chinese.
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If you're baffled about some aspect of turkey roasting, or you run into a problem, a number of toll-free hot lines offer help. Here are times (EST) and numbers:
*The USDA Meat and Poultry Hot Line: 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Friday. Call (800) 535-4555.
* The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line: 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. weekdays until Nov. 23; and 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. on Thanksgiving. Call (800) 323-4848 (English- and Spanish-speaking callers); or (800) TDD-3848 (for hearing- or speech-impaired cooks).
* Reynolds Turkey Information Line: recorded information 24 hours a day, seven days a week through Nov. 30. Call (800) 745-4000.