In the recent cataclysmic election, the world -- meaning America, old son -- turned upside down.
(This position gives us an ideal opportunity to study Strom Thurmond's orange hair. Scholars have long thought the color resulted from a bad Tang spill. But now, there is evidence the 92-year-old senator's hair simply rusted when he was inadvertently left outdoors for two years in the early '80s.)
There are many theories about the demise of the Democrats, but I think it's pretty clear what happened. And it's got nothing to do with the "Contract with America," except possibly the clause promising to pants Al Gore.
The problem with the Democrats is that they're no longer a political party. They're closer to a 12-step support group.
They don't get mad. They feel your pain.
Meaning, they couldn't be more out of step with modern America if they were still dancing to the Peppermint Twist. Most Americans are mad as hell, and most Americans voted for people who feel the same way. In other words, for anyone but Mario Cuomo.
Empathy is out. Proposition 187 is in.
Bill Clinton, who has already signed on to do a Donahue-type talk show immediately after the '96 election, still doesn't get it. One day after the election, he held a press conference in which he asked America to forgive him his transgressions. Clinton looked exactly like Jimmy Swaggart after he got caught in the hotel room.
Would Bob Dole apologize? Or would he just punch somebody?
Clinton didn't stop with a mere apology, though. He wanted to make friends. And so, in the spirit of conciliation, Clinton held out his hand to Republicans. The aptly named Newt Gingrich took that hand and, of course, slammed the door on it.
Here's what actually happened. Clinton called the Newtster, who was too busy to come to the phone. The Newtster, who has called Clinton the enemy of "normal Americans," finally called the president back -- after letting him wait for an hour and a half. It's the best presidentially directed snub since Michael Jordan refused an invitation to see George Bush because he had a golf date.
Americans love the politics of mean. Democrats, meanwhile, love the politics of Jimmy Carter.
There's no better example than what has taken place here in our beloved Maryland, one of the most Democratic states in America. We had a gubernatorial race between Parris Glendening, a Michael Kinsley clone who looks like a GS-14 and who ran on "competence," and tough-as-nails Ellen Sauerbrey, who promised to cut taxes and cut government and cut up any Democrats who get in her way.
Sauerbrey might have won easily, too, if she hadn't had that unfortunate nickname. People just weren't sure they wanted a governor called Winky.
It is Sauerbrey who is contesting every ballot, refusing to concede, suggesting she was cheated and who, if behind in the end, will take the matter to court or possibly stage a putsch. A tie, of course, could be broken by a penalty kick.
I don't say this explains everything. For example, Sonny Bono is now a Republican congressman from California, meaning Republicans apparently have a sense of humor, too. Sonny, at the suggestion of Bob Novak, has toughened up his image, though, by doing a remake of his most famous song -- with Margaret Thatcher. They're calling it "I've Got Mine, Babe."
If you want mean, wait till you see the lineup of Republicans who plan to run for president. Some examples: Dole, Gingrich, Phil Gramm, Pat Buchanan, Idi Amin. The list goes on.
California's governor, Pete Wilson, supported Prop. 187, which denies public services to children of illegal aliens, because he wants to run for president. I think this was his exact quote: "I may not be quite as mean as some of those guys, but I can kick around some Mexicans if I have to."
Who do the Democrats kick around? Nobody.
What are their issues? Try crime. Republicans want to put everyone in jail, just in case. Can Democrats top that?
Health-care reform is a flop, and other issues all seem fuzzy or look like they're part of government bloat (Ted Kennedy is the poster boy).
Republicans know what they want. Gingrich says he wants to return America to the old verities. I think he sees a perfect world as an episode of "Ozzie and Harriet" -- but only if Ozzie keeps an assault weapon on the set.