Dear fellow patriot,
You've heard a lot of nonsense recently about future U.S. senator Ollie North, mostly from liberals and the media, about how Ollie's a liar and should have been in prison with Marion Barry, except Ollie got off on a technicality.
Technically, a lot of us North supporters don't actually believe in criminals getting off on legal technicalities -- if we're honest, a lot of us aren't that comfortable with the Bill of Rights altogether, excluding, of course, the right to bear arms -- but this was different.
Ollie was just doing his patriotic duty by lying to a bunch of godless politicians so he could help save the world from communism. Remember, while Ollie was serving his country, the congressmen he lied to were raising your taxes and getting free haircuts. Ollie gets haircuts four times a week, but never at taxpayers' expense. That's our pledge.
We ask you, who is the true patriot?
Who's the one that belongs in the U.S. Senate? (Certainly not Chuck "The Massage is the Message" Robb.)
Are you like Dan Rather and Jane Fonda? Do you think Ollie belonged in prison alongside crack-head mayors who cheat on their wives? You ever see Ollie's family? We've enclosed a snapshot for you -- it's just the handsomest bunch of heterosexual, God-fearing Americans you'll ever bump into.
Ollie has never used crack or anything else un-American. Although once on a highly secret mission for his country, he was forced to repeatedly eat pita bread. Now that's bravery.
We need Ollie. We need Ollie because the government is selling honest Americans down the river, what with socialized medicine and welfare and the draft-dodger in the White House taking away our AK-47s.
What's hard to figure out is how we got into this mess.
On one hand, you've got the U.S. of A., pretty much the best darn country that ever was. And then you've got the U.S. government, which is pretty much the darn worst.
It's hard to see why we keep electing crooks and socialists and homosexuals and secular humanists to high office. We know it's the media's fault. And we're pretty sure it's also got something to do with having no prayer in school.
We need honest men. Ollie North is the one man who speaks the truth whenever he thinks it's the best thing for America, no matter what anti-gun baby-killers say about him.
OK, we know you're wondering about Bob McFarlane, who used to be Ollie's boss at the White House, where we hope Ollie will live someday. Here's what that pill-sucking, suicidal McFarlane says about Ollie: "He lies to me, to the Congress, to the president. This is not somebody you want in public life." On the positive side, he says Ollie is a heck of a saluter.
You have to understand what's going on here. McFarlane is a man desperately trying to sell books. Ollie North, who reads only Tom Clancy novels and the Bible, asks the question: Don't we have enough books in this country already?
Don't worry about what you've heard the Gipper say about Ollie. We can only guess that the former president, now possibly in his mid-90s, is an innocent dupe. He says he can't remember much about Iran-contra. For all we know, Mr. Reagan may have Ollie mixed up with George Bush.
You can't trust anyone these days. Teachers are handing out condoms and telling our children it's OK to have two mommies. And fifth columnists Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan, who we always thought did justice to the "lady" part of First Lady, unlike a certain Hillary person, suddenly announce that they're both pro-abortion.
Next thing you know, they'll tell us Rush Limbaugh was seen at a Dunkin' Donuts sharing bon mots and decaf coffee with George McGovern.
We don't have to tell you these are dangerous times. The Cold War may be over -- a war that Ollie North fought so bravely to win -- but the cultural war is just beginning. Ollie wants to be your soldier again.
Right now, he's leading in the polls in the Virginia senate race, meaning the liberals and the vegetarians and Phil Donahue will be telling more lies about Ollie. Here's what we ask you to remember -- while you're writing that generous check -- if anyone's going to lie, it should be us. We know what we're doing.
Yours in the one true way,
Friends of Oliver North