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It's the battle of the cross-dressers


Question: What does tonight's TV have in common with an ecdysiast? Answer: Not much on.

* "The Simpsons" (8-8:30 p.m., WBFF, Channel 45) -- On tonight's repeat, viewers watch Bart watch Mr. Burns as he watches everyone else in Springfield -- courtesy of a closed-circuit TV monitoring system. Fox.

* "Seinfeld" (9-9:30 p.m., WMAR, Channel 2) -- "Seinfeld," meanwhile, runs a repeat of the "toilet paper" episode, featuring Jami Gertz, who turned around and appeared as a kidnapper on "Dream On." NBC.

* "Bakersfield, P.D." (9:30-10 p.m., WBFF, Channel 45) -- This series returns with fresh episodes for a last-gasp summer run, so fans should start taping now. Fox.

* "Picket Fences" (10-11 p.m., WBAL, Channel 11) -- Tonight's repeat episode has the town clergy attacking the mayor -- which will backfire, a few episodes later, when a member of the clergy finds himself in need of more friends than foes. CBS.


* "Westworld" (4:30-6 p.m., MAX) -- There's something timelessly creepy about this 1973 Michael Crichton drama, which, like his subsequent "Jurassic Park," is about a high-technology theme park where the exhibits run amok. Except that this time, instead of T. Rex, you have Y. Brynner -- and Yul Brynner, as a robotic gunslinger in black, makes for a very compelling villain.

* "The Man With the Golden Gun" (8:05-10:50 p.m., TBS) -- Tonight, by accident or design, TBS is presenting a mini-festival of the worst Bond movies ever made. This one, from 1974, stars Roger Moore, with Britt Ekland and Maud Adams providing lots of cleavage but virtually no life.

* "Sylvia Scarlett" (9-10:40 p.m., AMC) -- Two cross-dressing movies compete for viewers tonight. This one, made in 1935, stars Katharine Hepburn, who spends most of the time pretending to be a boy . . .

* "Some Like It Hot" (9-11:50 p.m., TNT) -- . . . While this 1959 comedy stars Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis, who spend most of the time pretending to be women. Marilyn Monroe co-stars, and embodies a much more convincing female.

* "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" (10:50 p.m.-1:50 a.m., TBS) -- This James Bond film co-stars Diana Rigg, the best female co-star in the history of the James Bond movie canon. (Bond thought so, too, because he marries her midway through this movie.) That's the good news. The bad news is that Bond is played not by Sean Connery, who had tired of the part, but by George Lazenby, who was tired IN it.

* "Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway" (11:45 p.m.-1:25 a.m., MAX) -- If you get all the way through this "Doorway," you'll be "Witch" bored, too.

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