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One-liners for every summer occasion


IT'S that time of year when you are preparing to go on vacation and you want to impress strangers.

Therefore, as part of my service, I am providing one-liners that will get everyone's attention at a cocktail party or cookout.

"Ollie North may have lied to a lot of people but he never lied to me."

"I always get confused over whether North Korea makes the Hyundai automobile and South Korea makes the atomic bomb, or vice versa."

"Would anyone like to buy a semi-automatic pistol without waiting seven days?"

"I'd rather have Hillary Clinton running the country than Barbra Streisand."

"Just after I have given to a politician's election campaign they ask me to contribute to a defense fund to fight his indictment."

"Some of my best friends are secondary smokers."

"If you have to ask what Bill Clinton's health plan will cost, you can't afford it."

"My son was given four strokes of the cane in Singapore for running a red light and now he's worth $2 million."

"I'd rather have a White House aide borrow a helicopter to play golf than waste the taxpayers' money on welfare mothers."

"My daughter cheated on her Naval Academy engineering exams and is now in charge of repairing nuclear subs."

"Tourist-wise, Chernobyl is overrated."

"Nobody likes human rights' violations but if we make a big deal about what's going on in China, Americans will never be able to buy a pair of running shoes for $4.60 again."

"The only reason the United States is so powerful in the Far East is that President Clinton jogs and the Emperor of Japan strolls."

"Oprah calls me up every morning and asks me what she should eat for lunch."

"I just got an autographed copy of Dan Quayle's book and everyone says that I made a helluva investment."

"I promised Phil Donahue that if I ever went to the electric chair he could videotape it."

"Every time I read that the Hubble telescope has discovered another black hole in the universe I want to throw up."

"I got out of the commodities market the same time Hillary Clinton got in."

"I say that when it comes to buying a new car you can't have too many air bags."

"We'd rather be a dysfunctional family than eat breakfast together."

"My brother George used to be on Rostenkowski's payroll but when they asked him to do some work he quit."

"More brilliant business careers have been destroyed by spraying nicotine on tobacco leaves than by sexually harassing women who smoke."

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.

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