You know it's going to be a rough day when you turn on "Sally Jessy Raphael" at 9 a.m. and she's chatting up some floozy in a gypsy outfit and the subject is: "Male prison inmates looking for love."

The floozy's name is Judy, age 52. Judy's lover is 40. He's in the slammer in Canada for what Judy calls a "misunderstanding" -- the misunderstanding being that he killed three people. As a result, Judy's lover is currently serving two life terms.

This means that by the time the guy gets out of the joint, Judy will be in her mid-70s, at which point their remaining time together could center on whose turn it is to get the walker out of the closet.

Still, Judy says she's nuts about the big lug.

"What attracted you to this man?" Sally Jessy demands to know.

"I saw his picture in Weekly World News," Judy says, referring to the supermarket tabloid. "I looked into his face and it haunted me."

O-o-K. Quickly, you grab for the clicker. But it's too late to back out now. You're the one who volunteered to chronicle a full day (9 a.m through 6 p.m.) of TV talk shows, an endless parade of misfits, perverts, sociopaths, philanderers, narcissists, sex-change candidates and grotesquely fat people who parade before your eyes until you're left numb and slack-jawed.

So on this weekday morning, you steel yourself and watch all 11 daytime talk shows that appear on regular TV in the Baltimore area. ("Regis and Kathie Lee" was rejected because of its high-perkiness and low-sordidness contents. Although speaking of sordid, a recent show did feature stunt cyclist Hans Rey.)

When more than one show is on at the same time (for example, three shows air at 10 a.m.: "Maury Povich," "Jerry Springer" and "Vicki!"), channel surfing is allowed; otherwise, a show has to be viewed in its entirety, no matter how excruciating.

According to the latest Nielsen figures, "Oprah Winfrey" is by far the most popular daytime talk show in the Baltimore market with an 11 rating and 28 share, while "Rolonda" is the least popular, with a 3 rating and 12 share. (Ratings measure the percentage of TV households watching a program. Shares measure the percentage among homes where the TV is in use.)

But . . . ratings, schmatings. All you care about is the trash, the geek factor, the titillation.

You want to wallow in the dirt. And you do.

Some of the lowlights:

9:07 a.m. -- Well, that didn't take long. Sally Jessy asks Judy if she's ever slept with her inmate lover. Twice, says Judy. The prison he's in allows conjugal visits in specially-built condos within the walls.

"He's like other prisoners," Judy says, "not used to sharing space with anyone."

Not that this was a complete downer for Judy: "Hey, it's a new apartment and you eat prime rib, steak, whatever you want!"

Hmm. If this is how Canada treats convicted murderers, they probably send the armed robbers on two-week cruises to the Caribbean.

9:13 -- Things are cookin' on "Bertice Berry." Heather is 18. Ed, her boyfriend, is 31. Ed's also the father of Heather's 2-year-old. Pam is Heather's mom, who hates Ed and thinks he's a pig for fooling around with her kid.

Bertice: "Heather, how do you feel?"

Heather: "Basically, I'm really confused."

Amen. Shows like this, they ought to provide Cliffs Notes.

9:22 -- Sally Jessy's audience is becoming hostile. The feeling is that Judy must have had a refrigerator dropped on her head not to realize she's being taken advantage of by this low-life prison creep.

Sally Jessy: "You don't feel used?"

Judy: "No, it's not all sex. He's a very sensitive Cancer."

9:33 -- We've just entered tricky terrain. Bertice is demanding something totally unfamiliar to Heather: introspection.

Bertice: "Heather, do you want to get married to Ed?"

Heather: "I won't marry anyone, even God, unless it's forever."

Ed says nothing. God, apparently, cannot be reached for a comment.

Hug time

9:35 -- Uh-oh. Bertice asks Heather and her mom to stand. What, hug time already?

Bertice: "I'm really hurting for you. Pam, will you hug her? And promise her you'll be there for her every day?"

9:39 -- Sally Jessy is grilling another inmate groupie. Maureen is 47. She loves TJ, 19. She says TJ's a swell guy, even if he did carve someone up. Maureen's teen-age daughter is introduced,

and says she gets along with TJ "great!"

Maureen's daughter: "Every time I have a problem, I go to him."

Sally Jessy: "How can you go to him? He's in prison."

Maureen's daughter: "I talk to him on the phone."

9:49 -- Sally Jessy: "What goes on in the visiting rooms, when we return!"

9:53 -- Bertice (to Heather): "I was worried about you. Now I feel there's a sense of hope."

Heather smiles vacantly. You get the feeling the only thing on her mind is a Big Mac and fries.

10:01 -- Bummer. Heavy seriousness here. The topic on "Maury Povich" is molestation. Maury calls it "the chilling cycle." Speaking of chilling, Maury looks positively ashen, as if he just climbed off an autopsy table.

10:03 -- This is more like it! On "Jerry Springer" we meet Shawn. Shawn is a woman living as a man. Short hair, deep voice, men's clothing, the whole nine yards. She used to be called Tonya. She has not had a sex-change operation, but is considering it.

Jerry beams like a kid on Christmas morning. He asked for a freak and he got one.

10:05 -- Let's see what's on "Vicki!" Doesn't sound promising: "Acts of Courage 1993." Heroes of the Amtrak train disaster, the stampede at the University of Wisconsin football game, etc.

Vicki, Vicki, Vicki . . . next you'll be interviewing 4-H Club members.

10:09 -- Jerry introduces Shawn's lover, Nici. Tonya and Nici were childhood girlfriends. Then one night, Tonya told Nici she (Tonya) felt like a man. A man called, um, Shawn.

Whew. No wonder kids today seem confused.

But Nici took the news well: "The more we talked -- I could see a man in there. Right before my eyes, I was falling in love."

Oh brother/sister!

10:25 -- Jerry: "Coming up next, Shawn's little brother Fred. Find out if he thinks he has a sister or a brother!"

10:34 -- Jerry: "My next guest says Shawn isn't confused, she's sexually insane! Please stay tuned!"

10:43 -- We're rolling now! Jerry's guest, conservative commentator, John Lofton, points at Shawn and Nici and shrieks: "This is a scam to excuse lesbianism! These two are lesbians!"

Two minutes later, Lofton again: "Love isn't lesbian sex! God does not love lesbians!"

So apparently God can be reached for a comment.

11:02 -- The subject today on "Geraldo" is real fat people. Geraldo's first guest is one "Hambone" Smith, a Georgia man who weighed 1,000 pounds five months ago and had to be hoisted by crane into a weight-loss clinic.

Hambone has lost 200 pounds and is speaking to us via satellite from his hospital room. As you might imagine, he still doesn't look ready to slip into a Speedo bathing suit.

Geraldo: "How did you change your diet?"

Hambone: "No more Mountain Dews, no more cheese crackers."

That's it? What, was he going through a truckload of that stuff a day?

11:35 -- Geraldo is talking to Tamara, a woman who weighs 500 pounds. A graphic identifies her as: "Woman who wants to have a baby, but is too fat."

Geraldo: "What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

Tamara: "A blob."

11:37 -- On "Rolonda," the topic is: "Gorgeous people who can't get dates." An audience member tells one panelist: "You're all not as attractive as you think."

To which a statuesque woman named Dawn responds angrily: "If people like you hadn't told me all my life 'Oh, Dawn, you're so gorgeous, you should be a model,' I might have grown up to be a physician."

Yep, we can almost hear it now: "Dr. Dawn, please report to neurosurgery. Dr. Dawn . . ."

3:03 p.m. -- On "Montel Williams," the subject is: "Single mom who kept two kids and gave third away" for adoption.

Montel, referring to the baby given away: "Someday, he's gonna say, wait, I got these two [foster parents], but where's mommy?"

Single mom: "Well, the [adopted] father is a doctor . . ."

In the background, Montel's audience seems comatose, sort of like the crowd at a bowling tournament.

Napping with Oprah and Phil

4:01 -- Lookee here, it's time for "Oprah Winfrey." Ope looks terrific in a sleek, white summer dress, flashing that 50,000-watt smile.

"I'm really excited about this show!" she gushes in the intro.

Great! What do we have, Ope?

Strippers who work with Jell-O? Clergymen who have sex in the pulpit?

No. It's a summer "fun" guide to movies, videos, books, etc. Yawn. Oprah's audience makes Montel's look like the crowd at a Snoop Doggy Dogg concert.

5:05 -- My God, it's an afternoon snooze festival! The topic on "Phil Donahue" is the "Today" show moving back to its original studio. Bryant Gumbel, Katie Couric, Willard Scott and their very large producer (not Hambone Smith) are Phil's guests. Zzzzz.

Perhaps trying to avoid the inevitable outbreak of narcolepsy, Phil suddenly plants a big, wet kiss on Willard Scott's bald head. The audience seems to recoil. Now that's sordid!

5:07 -- Bingo! If it's sordid you want, we've just arrived at the home office. On "Ricki Lake," the subject is: pregnant women who let their husbands cheat on them.

A panelist named Helen says: "I want Daryl to take care of his needs."

The audience members groan. Daryl admonishes them tastefully: "Ya'll so sanctified, I'm about to throw up!"

5:20 -- Ricki, apparently calling on years of medical training, asks Daryl: "Let's say you were taking some kind of medication and your , [um, you know,] wasn't working -- could she fool around on you?"

"Ain't no way in the world," Daryl says charitably.

5:43 -- Audience member to Daryl's wife, Helen: "He gonna bring you AIDS! He gonna bring you gonorrhea! And your baby gonna be screwed up!"

Especially if he watches this stuff.

Click.

GUIDE TO GAB FESTS

Talk shows that Baltimore stations air Monday through Friday during the day:

9 a.m.: "Sally Jessy Raphael," WMAR-Channel 2; "Regis & Kathie Lee," WBAL-Channel 11; "Bertice Berry," WJZ-Channel 13

10 a.m.: "Maury Povich," WMAR-Channel 2; "Jerry Springer," WBAL-Channel 11; "Vicki!," WJZ-Channel 13

11 a.m.: "Geraldo," WMAR-Channel 2; "Rolonda," WJZ-Channel 13

3 p.m.: "Montel," WMAR-Channel 2

4 p.m.: "Oprah Winfrey," WMAR-Channel 2

5 p.m.: "Donahue," WMAR-Channel 2; "Ricki Lake," WBFF-Channel 45