I WAS on the airplane enjoying the sound of the college students drinking merrily in the seats behind me when the man sitting next to me said, "They ought to abolish spring break."

I couldn't believe my ears. "Sir, are you an American citizen?" I asked him.

"Of course," he replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because no full-blooded American would want to get rid of spring break. It is the cornerstone of our Constitution. Our patriotic soldiers fought King George to ensure that every Colonial student, regardless of race, creed or religion, would be entitled to spring break."

"What the hell are students doing taking vacations when they can't even read or write?"

"Their young minds are fragile. You can't force too many facts on them in one semester -- they could collapse with exhaustion."

"If we abolished spring break, we might discover a way to dispose of nuclear waste," he told me.

"That is just a guess on your part. There is no guarantee that if you make students study they will find a solution to the world's problems. Two or three weeks is not going to make any difference when it comes to sending astronauts into space."

My fellow passenger was adamant. "The worst thing about spring break is that it isn't just for college students, but high school students and grammar school children also get the time off."

"What's wrong with that?" I asked.

"The parents are also illiterate."

"Look, that's how the cookie crumbles. Besides, it gives the teachers a chance to get away."

"Why should they expect a break if their students can't read or write?"

Art Buchwald is a syndicated columnist.