Ukrainian's outfit, Jacksonian goo get to the best of them OLYMPICS '94 A SPECTATOR'S SPORT


Now it can be told: Six figure skating judges now admit they were laughing so hard at Ukrainian Oksana Baiul's "Joan-Fontaine-meets-the-Starship-Enterp rise" outfit that they missed her technical program and graded her on a guess.

Worst that food poisoning: U.S. Olympians still reeling from recent gooey "Jackson Family Honors" awards show presented by this country's leading dysfunctional family and inadvertently picked up by satellite dish in athlete's village.

Worse tha food poisoning: Skier Tommy Moe reported fighting waves of nausea after hearing Elizabeth Taylor tell Michael (clad in standard planet Romulus attire): "You're the brightest star in the universe -- don't let them dim your light!"

Get real: Following Tonya Harding's comments that she was "happy with my performance" after finishing 10th in technical program, her entourage spent yesterday grabbing her by the lapels and shaking her violently in the hope of clearing obvious haze enshrouding her brain.

Hey, a ride's a ride: Following Team USA's dismal 5-3 loss to Czech Republic in consolation play, American hockey officials announced team will return to the United States in the hull of a Liberian freighter loaded with bananas and coffee. The trip is expected to take three weeks, depending on prevailing winds.

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