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Pathos and bathos flourish in the snow OLYMPICS 94 -- A SPECTATOR'S SPORT


We hope it's just temporary -- After becoming the first U.S. Olympic hockey team to go winless in first three games since 1968, Team USA quietly checked out of athletes' village and into a small leper colony outside Oslo.

Players are now required to wear sackcloth, hide their faces and shout "Unclean! Unclean!" in the presence of others.

Sports triva -- Total no. of Olympic athletes who have not suffered a recent death in the family, not come back from a debilitating injury or not watched a friend bravely battle a tragic illness: 2.

Don't call us, we'll call you -- Sources say role of feisty granny in Edy's commercial who retrieves errant pint of ice cream by lifting pick-up truck was originally offered to Rep. Helen Delich Bentley (R-2nd).

The offer was apparently withdrawn when Bentley suggested to producers: "Why not have her deck somebody?"

And you better test positive -- Pointless sport of mogul skiing, where competitors bounce crazily down a course dotted with huge bumps as rock tunes blare and knee ligaments snap, now barring any competitor without a substance abuse problem.

Alternate viewing -- "Larry King Live," 9 p.m., CNN. Camille Paglia makes fun of Larry's bony shoulders and many divorces.

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