Tales from Oysterback


Oysterback, Maryland. -- Fresh dispatches from the Oysterback Bugeye:

The big excitement last week was the Oysterback High School Reunion, held at the Oysterback High School.

The Boone Brothers, Mike and Gabe, Class of '68, showed up which surprised many people, since they have not been seen since 1969. Asked where they'd been and what they'd been doing all these years, Mike Boone said they'd been living off the land, over to Uranus.

Finding out the Vietnam war was over in 1975, they decided they might stick around and open a fix-it shop over to Tabman's Corners where the old gas station used to be. Gabe says if you can remember the Sixties, you probably weren't there.

* * *

State Delegate Orville Orvall, Class of '71, out on bail, also showed up for the class reunion. He says the charges are put up by Iranian terrorists, and he expects to be vindicated in next month's hearing.

Once again, someone asked this editor why we kept returning Orville to Annapolis, term after term. Orville's brief visit was a reminder to all about why we want to keep him as far away from us as possible.

Chief Briscoe says charges will be pressed concerning the damage to the ATM and the lobbyists. Charlene Wingo, Miss Devanau County Poultry Industry, is filing a separate suit in Circuit Court.

* * *

If you see Hudson Swann's pickup truck rolling around town without anyone seeming to be at the wheel, relax. Seems Huddie has been teaching his twins to drive.

Since they're not big enough yet to reach the pedals, Amber works the gas, the brake and the clutch while Ashley steers and shifts, and vice versa.

Hudson says they're better drivers than most adults, but he still won't let them drive anywhere but up and down Razor Strap Road without him.

* * *

The Patamoke Designer House, to benefit Patamoke Community Theatre in the Oblong will open next week.

The theme is "Country Style" and over six noted local decorators have been invited to design rooms in the old Gersen place, where that terrible murder happened about 15 years ago and it has been rumored to be haunted ever since, since no one ever stays there very long. Most people will know it as the Jaycees' Halloween Haunted House.

Of particular interest, we understand, is Letty's Buttons'n'Bows Inc. room, done in a bendover theme, featuring the country crafts of Oysterback's very own Parsons Dreedle, who wants everyone to know that he has added lawn ornaments to the line of home-grown produce he sells in front of Dreedle's Funeral Home.

* * *

Over to Wallopsville, Hurley Whortley and Misti Clash have celebrated their engagement by going to Elkton for matching tattoos. They plan to marry in June, shortly after Donnie, their youngest, graduates from high school. "We would have done it before, but the kids were all against it," Misti reports.

* * *

Over to Omar Hinton's store, Faraday Hicks, Oysterback's only fully licensed vegetarian, had a massive coronary the other day. His pacemaker seized up in front of the microwave while he was heating up a Nacho and Olive Loaf sandwich.

His wife Thelma, tells us he's resting comfortably. Get well soon, Faraday! And incidentally, Omar wants everyone to know that the new ice cream flavor, Tuna Fudge Twirl, is now in stock.

* * *

The country jazz sounds of Bird Dog and the Road Kings will be heard at the wedding reception of Carter "Pork" Ebling and Tiffany Crust, this Saturday at the Wallopsville Fire Hall.

Stag and drag, coats and ties for all the guys. For times and tickets, call Tiffany's mom, Gladys, at Bob's Gas'n'Go.

Omar Hinton wants everyone to know Tiffany's pattern is registered with Hinton's Store in Oysterback.

* * *

Col. Bob "Mad Dog" Tutweiler wants everyone to know that was not him last week on America's Most Wanted but his evil twin Sonny who was last seen somewhere in California where you can expect that kind of behavior from people.

* * *

Reverend Claude Crouch, the Traveling Evangelist, struck his tent last week and moved on to Virginia Beach after receiving a sign from God to open a transmission-repair business.

He says he will be shifting gears for God on the sawdust trail.

* * *

There was a stir when the Civil War re-enactors who camped by Widgeon Marsh last week to celebrate the anniversary of the Skirmish of Swann's Farm reported sightings of Unidentified Flying Objects. After everyone calmed down, Chief Briscoe fingered the UFO aliens as some of Widgeon Marsh's smaller mosquitoes.

Helen Chappell is the amanuensis of Oysterback.

Copyright © 2021, The Baltimore Sun, a Baltimore Sun Media Group publication | Place an Ad