Preschool holds the secrets of life

From the new best seller "All I Really Need To Know I Learned Even Before Kindergarten, In Preschool, I Think It Was":

* You know those plastic things in the wall? The, um, electrical outlets? Don't stick your fingers in there. It can really hurt.


* Sharing is all well and good. But if you split a doughnut, you would be foolish not to keep the bigger half. Especially if it has more jelly.

* If someone hits you, start screaming and drop to the floor. When that person bends over and asks, "Are you all right?" you'll have a clear shot at kicking him in the groin.


* People are more inclined to believe you if you end a statement with the words: "swear to God."

* If you pull the cat's tail when others are around, he'll tell on you. Then you'll get in trouble. It's better to wait until everyone else is asleep.

* Don't take things that aren't yours. Unless it's a towel that says "Holiday Inn" or something.

* When people tell you something "tastes like chicken," it probably tastes like a warm bucket of spit.

* I am me. And you are you. So there's no way I could be you. Or you me. Outside of something really spooky happening.

* If you're trying to work and the person next to you is being noisy, lean over and say: "Ex-cuse me, but I have a good mind to whack you upside the head with a ruler." Then do it.

* There is nothing wrong with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But if you have them day after day after day . . . I'd at least try a cheese-steak sub.

* If you see an automobile bearing down on you at a busy intersection, get off the street fast.


* Take credit for the good things, blame others when things go wrong.

* Always ask someone to taste the soup first. If that person shrieks "YEOWW!" and starts fanning his mouth, it's probably too hot.

* If someone is being mean to you, quietly say to that person: "My dad works for the Gambino Family."

L * I love you. You love me. Let's not kid each other anymore.

* Short of finding a footlocker crammed with $200,000 in small, unmarked bills, a chocolate chip cookie is about as good as it gets.

* If you are very fat, it would not hurt to mix in a salad every once in a while.


* It's not that your mother was lying, but . . . I have run with scissors many times and never poked anyone's eye out.

* White people, black people, red people, yellow people -- we're all the same inside. Except for Cher.

* A nap really helps. I take one for eight hours each night and feel much better upon awakening.

* What makes me special is not necessarily what makes you special. Because you're not still driving a Corvair.

* Bananas are so superior to apples it's not even funny.

* Don't say bad things about another person, especially if that person's attorney is present.


* When you go out in the world, remember two things: MasterCard and Visa.

* If you lose something, don't waste your time trying to find it.

Ask your mom to find it.

* Big hand on the 12, little hand on the 6, it's time for dinner.

* You will hurt your fingers badly by poking them in a fan, even if it's set on "low."

* Live a balanced life -- learn and think and paint and draw and sing and dance.


But keep it to yourself, or people will think you're some kind of obsessive, over-achieving wacko.

* If anyone were to actually attempt the maneuvers described in the song "This Old Man," that person would be placed in a locked ward.

* The best way to get out of trouble is to say: "I didn't do it. She did it."

* When someone gives you something, thank them. But make it clear you expected something else, too.

* People with really good jobs rarely move their lips when they read.

* Play fair. With your luck, there's a surveillance camera around.


* Hold hands when you leave the house. But let the other person know that if something bad happens, he's on his own.

* It sounds like a glamorous profession, but there are very few cowboys around anymore.

* If you want something badly enough, it can be yours, except for Cindy Crawford.

* Love is not something you can hold, but it is something you can buy.

* Clean up your own mess, unless you're only renting.