Dude, you won't find happy campers here


It's vacation time, so here is Gripes II. Remember, these are the readers' gripes, not mine. I'm the cheerful sort.

"Roseanne and Tom Arnold. Two pigs who give decent overweight people a bad name."

"People who come up to you at the funeral of a very loved and near one to say: 'Don't cry, honey, he/she is in a better place

now.' How the hell do they know?"

"Members of Congress who insist on pushing through their 'pork barrel' projects even when the country can't and shouldn't have to afford them."

"Rolling Stone magazine. Self-righteous swill."

"People who bring crying (or otherwise disruptive) children to church services, formal events and restaurants. And why don't restaurants have 'no children' areas similar to 'no smoking' areas?"

"Milk cartons that say, 'Open Here' and don't."

"When my car (or anything) is not working and my husband checks it out and it works perfect. Like he has healing power. Makes me furious."

"People who say, 'I seen it' when they mean, 'I saw it.' (Very Midwestern.)"

"Movies with German characters speaking English with German accents. Why bother?"

"People who spank their kids. Parents are role models. When they hit their children, they are teaching their children to hit. Somebody should hit those adult fools."

"Today I am most annoyed by the sentence, 'He is not a happy camper.' This stupid sentence is used to cover any type of dissatisfaction."

"Years ago, they used to make pants with sufficiently long zippers (that reached your crotch) so that when you had to take a wee you could do so in comfort. In the past few years (copying the French designers), the American pants makers learned that they could save a third of a cent per pair of pants by shortening the length of the zippers. This causes a reverse trap in the plumbing that requires more pressure to function properly. There is already pain in life without that."

"People who never experienced the Great Depression screaming how tough it is today."

"Young women with messed up hair who call it a style."

"Female guests on late-night talk shows who feel they have to act 'slutty.' "

"Anyone who leaves the car directional signal on for miles while they're traveling."

"Finger-lickers who deposit their saliva on letters, dollar bills, playing cards, newspapers and book pages."

"Trashy TV commercials like so-called classy businessmen slurping milk out of their cereal bowls when we are trying to teach our children table manners. Disgusting."

"Discussing illnesses, operations, etc., when eating."

"Women guests, sitting on the stage on TV talk shows being almost naked, with their busts showing and their skirts up to their navels. There should be a law by the producers that women should appear decently dressed, and not showing their intimate body parts. These women have no shame."

"Wait persons who call my husband and me 'guys.' We're 67 and 72 years old. How impertinent. A sign of our times."

"My pet peeve is the Lamaze method of 'natural' childbirth. That stupid 'pant breathing' they teach all these gullible pregnant women does not reduce the pain of contractions one bit. All it does is cause women to feel like cowardly failures if they have to resort to pharmaceutical anesthetics during labor, which, by the way, really do work. Arghhhh."

"White suburbanite children who think they belong to gangs and talk in rapper lingo. The punks would faint if they met a bum like I used to be."

"Neighbors who pick my tomatoes and peppers in the middle of the night. If they would just ask I would be glad to give them what they need."

"I hate people that get right up in my face to talk. Especially if they are ugly."

"To label a child 'illegitimate' is to commit child abuse. There are lTC no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents."

"People who start every sentence with 'dude.'"

"Media who criticize and badger Hillary Rodham Clinton without trial. This is a national and media form of sexual harassment par excellence."

"Toothpicks, at any time. Shoot the person that developed them."

"People who wake up the neighborhood while having noisy sex."

"Ignorant conservatives who gripe that the president's wife is 'the biggest threat this United States has ever encountered,' while our nation is plagued by such real problems as the breakdown of the family, rampant drug abuse, and uncontrolled violence in our inner cities."

"Most movie sequels."

"Radio stations that spend five minutes between every song to brag about how little talking they do. Shut up and play the next song."

"Movie critics who don't like movies. And sports columnists who don't like sports. Why don't these guys go out and get real jobs, then maybe they would appreciate how good they have it."

"Men, 40 to 50, who wear their hair in ponytails. This has to be the '90s equivalent of brushing thinning hair across the head to 'cover' baldness. Give it up guys; you're older."

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